our legacy and lessons for our children

Over spring break I had the opportunity to take my daughters up to my hometown area - We had not been up there since the year after my mom died, almost 6 years ago now.

During the trip we traveled to historical sites that I had been to as a child, hiked one of my favorite overlook hikes (8 mile roundtrip), drove LONG dirt forestry roads (just to prove to my daughters I could), and visited some of my mom and I's favorite restaurants and old fashioned stores.  I showed them the house I grew up in, the side roads I used to walk, and the creeks I went swimming in.  They met some of the few folks who actually knew me back when I was a little girl and heard silly stories of their mom. 

This trip was FULL of memories of my mom but it was also a powerful experience of realizing she wasn't at those places anymore - she was fully and completely on my shoulders during the trip.  It was fun to show those places to my daughters, but she wasn't there, the feeling was no longer so heavily connected to the place.  But more on that later.

I also thought about all the lessons I had learned from my mom that I want to make sure I do (and some I don't) want to pass along to my mom. 

• Mom knew to give me 'my head' (in horse lingo) when it came to the many 'bad boys' I brought home.  Whether it was the carnival kid, the high school drop out, or the notorious boy (the one other mother's said - 'you are letting her go to the movies with HIM?!?').  She knew that if she pushed her opinion and desire on me, then I would have probably clung tighter to each of them.  Instead she let me investigate, with boundaries (they had to come to the house at least once, usually out with a group, etc), and let me learn (or try to - I still am drawn to bad boys or wounded men but again - that's for another therapists couch) for myself and make my own decisions.  Now as a mom to two girls - I know this had to drive her CRAZY at times :)  but I hope I can trust that by the time they are bringing boys home, the foundation has been set and as long as I try to stay open and neutral - then they two will stay open and keep communicating.
• My mom was ALWAYS a momma bear.  She was tough as nails on my brother and I.  We did go to a school with corporal punishment in elementary school and we were well aware that if we got it at school we would get it at home.  However, she was also fiercely protective of my brother and I both.  She stood up to teachers who bullied (I can remember sitting in a principals office watching the principal try not to laugh as my mom explained to a teacher that if she was going to be so easily upset by a hormonal pre-teen that she had to call us into the principals office over a letter being written then maybe she was in the wrong line of work).  My mom was tough as nails but fair and always had my back when needed and appropriate (when I was truly in the wrong she just as quickly locked me down too).
• One of her core lessons to us as kids was to treat EVERYONE with respect and kindness.  If someone had a need and you could help - then you did it - even if you had to get a little uncomfortable in the process.  She didn't just tell us this - she showed us.  She fostered (formally and informally) kids and animals both - and even adults who needed some extra support.  She made sure that we understood that everyone (from the richest to the poorest - and actually some of the poorest are the richest and vice versa) deserved another chance and some extra support.  After all, we never know when we may be on the other end of that.  Sometimes I wonder if this is why I was so attracted to bad/wounded boys?  :) 
• Watch and observe people - make decisions to get closer or retreat based on what they show you, how they treat you and others, and how they interact with the world.  But even in retreat DO NO harm.  Never intentionally hurt someone's feelings (this included by being extremely blunt).  If asked, always try to share information in a helpful way without making someone feel less than or injured.  
• Life is a stage - LIVE IT UP!  This was one of her favorites.  She was a big believer in living in the moment and LIVING - there would be time for cleaning and chores and mundane later - but don't miss an opportunity to live and explore and have fun!  Particularly with people you love and enjoy.
• Never sweat the small stuff, and there is no big stuff.  She used to credit this one with getting her through the horrible years after my dad died.  The years when she felt she would crumble and this was just a slight silly saying that her therapist shared with her.  But it helped.... and when I was breaking away from home and moving to a whole new state and scared to death - she passed it on to me.  And it's been a touchstone for me through all of the tumultuous times.  At the end of it all - there really is very little big stuff - even things that feel big in the moment, taken in small bites (like eating an elephant) become manageable and get you through those most anxious periods. 
• Love and dance like no body is watching - because at the end of it all - we only have one life and it's a short one and we are not guaranteed any time.  So love intensely and fully and embrace....

She was a hot mess in a lot of ways - and I'm not sure I could have fully embraced who I am today if she was still here in physical form - but I'll always be thankful that I had her passion and warmth and love to guide me and set my foundation and for me to lean on as I continue on this journey without her.  

This body

This body is mine..... and it is complex, it does many things, it is frustrating and aggravating and not enough and too much.....

It is: too thick too slow aches dances hikes jogs climbs carried 2 children birthed 2 children fed 2 children clutzy graceful strong scarred strong survivor tough quiet loud broken rebuilt healing And I wouldn't change it or trade it - despite grouches at moments to the contrary. It holds decades of memories and wounds and stories that are mine.....

What kind of friend do you want to be.....

This past weekend I found myself watching two movies that seemed to be surface similar premises but as I watched were two profoundly different movies.  To be completely honest, I only was able to watch about 30 minutes of the second movie :)

On the surface, the movies had some significant similarities that attracted me:

·      both were about women and long term friendships (decades long friendships)

·      both were about strong women who were successful in their own ways and terms and fields (including motherhood)

·      both were as much about the relationships women have (with each other and with romantic partners)

·      both were comedies

·      both were about girls weekends to celebrate and reconnect with friends who felt like life has a way of keeping us busy.

Sounds great right? 

The first movie - I adored -I laughed, I cringed, I cried, I laughed some more, I felt my heart break and get stronger as I saw myself and women I love in the different characters.  I loved how the women fought like tigers with each other but also when one was hurting they fought together to protect their girl.  I loved the message of communication, connection, support, forgiveness, fear, authenticity, image, social pressure, and breaking free from image and pressure to find out the beauty on the other side.  The women and relationships weren't perfect - every one of them was flawed - and yet so much more beautiful for that flaw.  Did they fight with each other?  Yes.  Did they see each others flaws?  Hell yes.  Did they use those flaws to constantly wound and dig at each other?  No (ok so occasionally in the heat of an argument they pulled them out - they also pointed out their own flaws and weaknesses and protected each other) Did as a general rule they see the stronger more beautiful and amazing side of each other and feed those components?  Yes.  Were they able to see and hear each other even through the pain?  Most definitely yes.  It was the kind of story about life long friendships where you can see each and love each other through the hardest parts of our journeys.

"I really thought that I could go through with it because I’ve done such a great job in pretending so many times before. But there are some people when you see them, you just can’t pretend anymore because they know you. The real you. And maybe that’s why you avoided seeing them for so long. Uh… I am not perfect. I do not have it all. In fact, my life is all kinds of screwed up."

" But we shouldn’t fear being alone, because there is power in rediscovering your own voice, and I had forgotten that. I forgot that years before I was Stewart’s wife I was Ryan, a girl with her own ambitions and her own dreams. But luckily, my girls, my girls reminded me of that. They reminded me of my own worth."

The second movie was also a group of women.  However, these women seemed determined to find and keep pointing out each others flaws.  They didn't support each other, they didn't seem to really even like each other, everyone seemed annoyed by one of the girls, there was no deep connection about what seems to make each of them tick and how they would protect each other.  After 30 minutes of this movie I turned it off, a little sadder and more heartsick for how women can treat each other at their worst.

Feel free to ask the names of the movies but since they were released around the same time you can probably guess - and those who know me well can probably picture which ones I gravitated more toward.  :)

What has struck me in the days since watching these movies is that I have friendships like both of these - I have groups of women who I feel like see me and love me for all of my warts and flaws and weirdness - they love me through all of it and will call me on my crazy but will also love me through my crazy.  They are the women who I have worked and traveled with and had people laugh at how we fight so hard and then 20 seconds later hug and threaten to slug whoever hurts one of us next.  I also have had friendships with women (and some of these have lasted decades) where I leave outtings with them feeling more dejected about myself and relationships and life - it is a sense of negativity but also of judgement of not measuring up.... I'm learning slowly to put boundaries on those friendships so that they don't have the negative impacts on me.  I've been asked why I keep them at all and the short answer for me is that people are important to me and I have a tough time walking away from any relationship, but the longer answer is more complex and has involved me facing how I select the relationships I chose to strengthen and enrich and feed.  I have decided for myself to focus on those that feed my soul - I won't close the door on others, but I won't feed them either.

What about you?  What kind of relationships do you have?  What kind do you want?  How and when do we decide which friendships to feed and which to let sit?