music

I have never been the musical one in my family.... My mother sang like a bird and often sang solos and duets in church as I was growing up.  Some of my fondest memories are of riding home from meetings with her, my head on her lap as she drove home, with her singing some of her classics -
Leaving on a jet plan and American Pie in particular but others as well..... I can also remember her laughing when her choir director offered to let me sing with them in the Christmas Cantata if I wanted and while I said no thank you, she laughed and said yeah I didn't quite have her tone (or ability to carry a tune).  Many years later youth, in the youth group I was leading at the time, would discretely tell me that I didn't have to sing the summer camp songs with them if I didn't want to....

However, music has always been a big part of my life and I believe conveys emotions and experiences in ways that very little else does.  It provides a modality for us to share our common human experience and to express ourselves - physically, emotionally, and vocally - in ways that very little else does.  It allows us to connect to each other, nature, our anscetors, and our future - provides a common thread if we choose to see and feel it.  I had not watched Beloved by Toni Morrison until recently (after reading the book and having a particular scene recommended by a new friend as we were discussing the power of music and nature and history).  I come back to this scene over and over again when I want that sense of connection and healing....

Beloved - Baby Suggs in the Woods

My musical taste has always been eclectic - with everything from old country, southern rock, hair bands, blues, jazz, old school rap, folk music, bluegrass, celtic, and various other genres finding their way onto my music streams.  I once loaned a roadtrip CD I had made to a friend and they came back with the most confused look on their face.... but enjoyed all of the music.  I gravitate to music that speaks to my soul and spirit and different times and experiences call for different music.  I often hear people talk about how different each of the various genres of music is, and often how different the dance and flow that comes out of the expression of that music is.  However, I wonder how true that is - in college I wrote a paper (I'd love to be able to find it again) about the similarities in the hair band ballads of the 80s and early 90s with the poetry of the balladeers in the 18th century - tales of unrequited love, intensity of emotion, undying love, travel and loss and finding again.... emotions running high on all fronts.... Are we really all that different?  :)

I sometimes find myself exploring these concepts again when I think about the music that I turn to for growth, relaxation, connection and healing now.... Are the differences really so much greater than the similarities when we explore Appalachian folk music, various other native music (from any native culture - Native American, Alaskan Natives, Tribal music, Celtic music)?  While I am not a true student of music and all the intricacies there in (although I'm enjoying exploring this more and more and learning and absorbing all I can).... what I see and hear in what I have read and continue to seek to learn more about - point to commonalities among these musical forms that arose out of a desire to share experiences, stories, emotions, strength, vulnerability and to provide a communication that can be passed along generation to generation and felt as well as spoken or read and can be kept safe when all else is threatened.

I grew up in rural Appalachia Virginia - where my mom could flat foot with the best of them.... and while I tried I never quite was as good as most of them (including her).... however I still have a hard time sitting still when some good bluegrass comes on.... (see the amazing June and Johnny Cash and also some more recent samples).... The music and the dance both arose out of a need to express themselves, to express the intensity of the emotions and experiences as well as to find moments of escape from the challenges of daily life in the unforgiving mountains.

June Carter Cash - Flat Foot Dance London 1981

Flat Footing

Recently my heart and spirit has been captivated by Argentine tango.... the culture, the music, and expression, the history - the wholistic experience of it.   Digging into the lyrics and listening to the music one can feel the experiences of the immigrants who are finding their way and expression through all of the challenges and struggles of settling in a new place, finding and building a new home, and looking to share expression/feeling and connection.  Much like with flat footing and other native dances - I see a mix, a creation of movements to convey and share a feeling and story, movements that are only at their most beautiful and expressive when they are synced with the music and can provide a physical expression of the sounds in the music. With tango there is a human to human connection component that some may say is not as present in flat footing or more individual dance expression - but I as I watch the examples of those dance that speak the most to my soul - there is a connection there too - to the music, to the other dancers, to the musicians themselves.... the whole is greater than the sum of the parts in all of these musical expressions.

Detlef & Melina @ Tango Nada Mas 2015 (one of my favorites)

El Chino Perico y Paola Tacchetti en el Sin Rumbo "Poema"

I decided not to dig into the technical differences between the musical genres or dance genres here - because I'm still too novice in each of them to do them justice yet - so will save that later for when I've had more time for research and my own growth along my journey.... And today will only think about the feeling, the history, and the expression that I see, hear, and feel.... .and a celebration of these ways of communicating and connecting with each other when we let ourselves be truly present with the music and the movement and each other.

Roots and Wings

About 3 years ago a friend of mine causally suggested that I should share my experiences and visions with other women as a way to encourage leadership and independence.  At the time I laughed, but after other friends said they agreed and they thought it would be a great experience.  So I let myself consider what it would look like and I continued my own journey and I kept talking to my dear friend and coach Arlia Hoffman.

Four years ago I was feeling very stuck, depressed I was in a job that should have been a dream for most people (good pay, great co-workers, growth opportunity); I was just starting to process my mother's death and the sale of my childhood home; my kids were growing quickly and no longer babies; we had just bought a huge new home in a brand new up and coming subdivision; and I was feeling drawn more and more to a simpler life.  During this period, I began wandering more - hiking, exploring, gardening, feeling an itch to travel, and also beginning to re-establish my consulting business.  The more I explored, the more I felt the itch to continue to go both deeper and higher.  As the saying goes - Two roads (streams) diverged in a yellow wood and was feeling called to the one less taken.

Shortly after that, I left my 9-5 job, feeling like I had achieved what I set out to there and feeling a strong desire to be my own boss and set my own goals and missions.  This change let me create my business with my own mission of public service and outreach to help support communities.  It also let me be available for my kids when they needed me but also to travel some more independently.  I moved into a smaller house with a LOT more land.  I adopted my two wildling dogs, drastically expanded my garden, and began settling back into a simpler life.  I am now doing work I love, in an relaxed environment and pace where I select the work I want to focus on and when I want to work. I have land that has a wildness and rusticness to it that suits me. During this transition, I have been able to embrace my inner hippy and wild side as well as my nurturing and mothering side.  I no longer fight the need to conform and fit a particular vision or model. I am able to have my animals and garden and space to just wander.  And I am able to fully invest in the relationships and connections that feed my spirit.  Through a lot of internal work, and external work, I have consciously set out to make this shift - my life may look unorthodox but it suits me.

 

One of the greatest feelings in the world is when someone comments to me how much happier and more content I seem and how this life seems much more suited to me than where I was.  And I think my relationships with my children, loved ones, and friends are all stronger now because I am more  fully centered and authentically me.

The last several years have been a major time of transition and resurrection for me.  During this process, I have reconnected with my own inner guides and learned to identify the things that ground and feed my spirit.  This process has included a lot of deep reading, writing, exploring, building my toolbox to help me through the difficult periods, connecting with myself/my anscestors/and the natural world around me.  Each day that I progress along this path I feel stronger and more excited about the doors and opportunities that are presenting themselves.

Over this time I really learned that I needed to fully ground myself - to dig deep to discover my own roots and where I needed to go when I need to replenish myself.  For me - my roots are in the natural world.  When I hit times of struggle or the noise gets to loud - I go outside to the woods or the water - to hike and listen to the sounds of the woods, to my ancestors, to mother nature.  And I consistently find love and acceptance and support and strength in those settings.

It is when I have firmly reconnected to my roots, that I find that I have the strength to stretch my wings and soar onward - toward whatever is calling my soul.  For me, that is to continually seek ways to create this unorthodox, free life where I can support people I love, do work I love, explore and travel, rest in moments of enjoyment with people, and work toward creating my own visions and ideals (like Hacienda de Abrazos).

As Arlia and I continued to talk and explore our own journeys, we wanted to develop a way to share these with other women.  This isn't an empowerment program - it's not even directly about leadership - it's about digging deep and helping each other as women - about building the freedom to make the leap when you feel like you are on the brink or in need of finding what is next.  In our culture we have moved away from our ability to truly connect with each other and support each other in flight - the way the geese do when flying north and south.

Roots and Wings is our opportunity to share with you and learn from each other about how we can continue to find ourselves, our voices, and our dreams and to stretch each other to reach out and soar toward those things that scare, strengthen, and enliven us.  We dive into those areas that we need to explore, challenge, and develop; we will dance and hike and sit and listen and talk; we will learn to receive and to open ourselves and to share; to push when necessary and to sit quietly when necessary.  Journaling, reading, discussion.  Spending time connecting to each other and to mother nature and to father time.  Getting outside of our comfort to get more comfortable.... To create our circle and community of strong and soaring women..... We want to build communities that will continue beyond the program itself to create ongoing change and growth for us all.....

Please join us for this exciting opportunity - or send us your thoughts/ideas/questions about it.... We love hearing other ideas and experiences!

Learn more about Roots & Wings

Dreams, Actions, Goals

About 11 years ago, I took a group of teenagers to WV for a mission trip working with a Habitat for Humanity group there.  While we were there, I spent many hours getting to know, becoming friends with, and talking about the mountains with a very wise and kind local who quickly became a friend.  I still remember sitting by the dying bonfire with him, and a couple of other dear friends talking until the wee hours of the morning with our 'flavored coffee'.  One of the things we discussed was the deep connection to the land, particularly the Appalachian mountains.

It was during this visit that the dream of turning my mom's old house into a B&B in her small mountain town first took hold in my mind.  At this time in my life, my mom was still very much a live and active in her home so this was a down the road type dream.  I was also married and planning a family, so pulling up stakes and returning to Virginia to run a B&B seemed like a pleasant idea but definitely a long term dream not something I was ready to pursue at that time.  In the following years, I had my first (and then my second) child, my career continued to grow and flourish in Georgia, and then my mother passed away.  When she died I was not in a place where I was ready to do the work necessary to relocate nor to convert the house in to a B&B.

So I returned home to Georgia and my evaluation research career and raising my daughters.  Fast foward several years and the dream of having some retreat/hiding space starts wiggling its way into my mind again.  This time in the form of a simple, extremely rustic, retreat with one small house and several acres where I could escape for bits of time from the hectic crowded life of suburbia and corporate america.

This has continued to morph, as my life has continued to flow and I've left the 9 to 5 race to open my own business, bought my own 1.3 acres, and begun to explore and consider where I really want life to go.  I have realized that for most of my life I have struggled to force myself to fit into the norm that American culture lays out for us - work, family, the busier you are the better.  But that just isn't me.... I am a quiet lover who was raised by two entreprenuers who believed in capitalizing on experience and on the moment.... who wanted to create space for experiences and growth rather than just gathering things.  The older I get the more I have felt a pull back to this type of life and have been trying to create it.

Most of you who know me in real life - know that I am big on physical touch - I am a hugger and a connector - I rarely have a conversation with someone without touching them at least briefly.  Our society has really removed us from physical touch and I think it is a sad phenomenon and is leading to much of our disconnect from each other.  So when I ran across this piece in the Elephant Journal about cuddle therapy, a new idea was sparked that continued to morph the idea of my individual retreat.

What if I could create/host a place where people could retreat, either individually or as organized groups, to heal, to connect with nature, to explore their own creativity, to shut out the noise of the world and give themselves time and space to listen and grow?  Many acres - that includes gardening space, outdoor kitchen space, tiny houses to stay in, woods to roam, outdoor meditative space, and a large hacienda building for shared meals and for those wanting more social interaction.... A place where touch therapy, creativity opportunities, and other areas could be explored..... A large salon area with wood floor for tango workshops where both practice and lecture and discussion can occur....or yoga retreats including both indoor and outdoor practice;.... Places to connect and retreat as your spirit needs.  A place where both organized, semi-structured retreats could be held or where individuals could come individually to heal and grow.

And the more this idea settled, the more strongly it grew, and the more it pushed me to move from dream to actions to plans.... so what began as a small dream of escaping the city and creating a B&B with outdoor activities has led to actual action steps planned - selecting a place, designing a property layout, planning components and needs, and  specific goals being set for realizing my own dream....

Hacienda de Abrazos.....

My mom

My mom was my rock for most of my life.  When my father died at 43, my mom was left to raise my brother and myself on her own.  She found herself a widow, drowning in debt, with two small children to raise.  And she did it.... she didn't hide any of the struggle from us but at the same time she always made sure we knew we were safe and all would be ok, somehow.  Even the worse case scenario we could find a way to keep moving through.  As I grew up, I promised her that I would always take care of her and make sure she was ok the same way she did for us.

She sacrificed so much so that I could learn to ride horseback, my brother could have the summer camp experiences he loved, that both my brother and I could travel with the academic and athletic teams we wanted to participate in, and that when he wanted to, my brother could go to one of the premier private schools in our state.  She ate my terrible cooking as I tried to figure out how to cook to help out around the house when she was working and we were juggling all our activities (because I had cooked the last of the spaghetti for the week).  We worked at the school rather than just getting free/reduced lunch.  She worked frustrating jobs and stretched herself to always find ways to make things work so that we could have as many opportunities as possible even though some were still out of reach.  I never went back to school shopping for whole new wardrobes (I lived in hand-me-downs until I started working), we learned to fix things ourselves rather than hiring help as much as possible, both my brother and I worked as soon as we were old enough to so that we could help contribute to the house, we learned to live with the house very hot and very cold to minimize expenses,  we didn't go out to dinner at restaurants except on extremely rare occasions (my first paycheck I used to take us to pizza hut), there were no big family vacations each year, and certainly study abroad was not an option or in any budget, travel was limited to short trips to see family and friends where we could stay and visit for free.  But we were incredibly loved and had many more opportunities than many folks.

I always wanted to repay that.... to give her everything in her older age that she had given us.  And while we did in some ways - to this day I feel like I dropped the ball on truly taking care of her the way she deserved.  On January 5th, 2012 I was on my way to pick her up to finally bring her down to Georgia to live near us in a home we were going to buy her.  She hadn't answered her phone in over 24 hours, so I had her pastor and then a local deputy go check on her while I was driving.  I never expected to hear that she had died.  I was devastated.  And to this day I'm thankful for everyone who made it possible for us to get there, stay in the house, and took care of things until I could get there that evening.

I was left to notify all of her friends and loved ones.  Some of those calls still haunt me to this day.  One was to her best friend from college and another was to one of her more recent close friends (recent - they were friends for close to 10 years).... Both of them were shattered and commented on how they were in the middle of an argument with her but they both knew these storms blew through and she would always be there.... She was so volatile but also so incredibly loving and tough.  She was easy to anger, quick to forgive, and even when she was angry she would talk about how much she loved the person.  She was as hard headed as a mule :)

I am still in touch with several of her friends to share memories - and I'm eternally grateful for the strength and love she grounded me in.  She was tough as nails and loving as anyone I've ever met.... Because of her life experiences and what she shared with me - I've grown up with an intense desire to take care of everyone I love and care about and to leave more warmth, love, and forgiveness in this world.