Safety and compassion

My oldest daughter overheard me telling the story of me and Louis (a homeless black man in Athens, GA).... which includes us laughing because when he knocked on my window and I opened it to talk to him and leaned out and took his hand - he asked 'Aren't you scared of me?'....

Emily looked very confused and asked why he would think I would be scared of him?.... To be fair part of her confusion is probably based in the fact that I will talk to anyone (literally)....  I explained to her that unfortunately sometimes people are scared of people who are not like them (Black, Brown, homeless, etc).  My proud mom came when she looked at me like I had three heads and just shook her head and said that made no sense.... Later on the drive she asked if that meant that some people might be scared of her Uncle Tommy or cousins because of how they looked and expressing her frustration with that.  So we talked about how she can use that feeling and understanding to stand up for and with her loved ones and more importantly for OTHERS (i.e. the homeless man or woman who deserves to be seen and cared about as well).

I am far from perfect and there have been places and times where I have been more cautious or concerned (i.e. when the drunk homeless man fell asleep on my arm on MARTA on the way home from a LONG trip) and I'm working on my own openness and connection.... But in general I try to move through the world with a sense of compassion and openness and caring first and foremost and have been rewarded by seeing some of the best of humanity - the family that I knew was watching out for me as the same homeless man kept calling me Dolly Parton for the train ride until he fell asleep and I reassured them I'd let them know if he crossed a line or I felt uncomfortable but instead I felt connection, humanity, humor, and awareness of humanness.... And I have not always been this way - it's been a process of learning and growing and caring and trusting....

My heart broke a little today as I watched people's comments and feedback on social media about two topics -
1 - Wearing masks and seeing one of my home cities announce a city-wide mandate for masks (so PROUD of them!) and then watching them get blasted by folks from outside of the city for being 'fear-mongering' and complaining about interceding on personal rights.  Where and when did we lose our compassion and willingness to be a little uncomfortable in order to help keep all of our bigger community safe and healthy?  Are we so independent focused and self-focused that we truly believe that our rights to perfect comfort supercede all other things?  With our state infection rates and hospitalization rates climbing - why are people so resistant to doing things to help improve the health and well-being of all?  Is social distancing and mask wearing really that much of an impact on you that you are comfortable risking others lives?  Can we be more compassionate to our friends and neighbors who have health factors, immune compromised health systems that require more care?

2 - Getting rid of School Resource Officers -  Maybe it is time to consider reducing SROs (which have some significant negative impacts as well as some cases of positive) and increasing other supports in schools.  This is not a statement against police, but rather a discussion about where it is appropriate and needed to have police.  I do not want a school system where my children only feel safe if there are police there, that's not a school conducive to learning. Nor do I want to raise my children in a community where they are taught to only feel safe if there is a large police presence.  I would rather raise them to feel 'safe' in that they can handle themselves physically and they care for other people (you would be surprised how far this goes) rather than relying on external sources of safety.  Where they understand that creating a sense of safety and caregiving in the community is part of their responsibility as well.  (Note - I have friends and family in the police force, I am actively working to create dialogues between police and young people to help shift the dynamic and create a more supportive environment - this is not an anti-police statement, but rather a statement about how we view our world and how we as individuals engage with each other).

Why are people SO upset and angry about the prospect of moving from SROs (which we are hearing make some of our Black and Brown friends and neighbors feel unsafe by having them in schools) to maybe having more mental health and counselors in the schools?  Why does it need to be police in the school instead of counselors/trained mental health professionals?  Why are people so protective and adamant about police instead of stopping to engage in conversation with those trying to raise concerns and propose healthy changes?  Police are an important part of communities, but we must be able to talk about what changes may be needed to help create the safest, healthiest, most nurturing communities for all....

Have we created a world where school is viewed 'unsafe' by white families unless there is an SRO and 'unsafe' for our Black and Brown loved ones when there is?  What will it take to get us to sit down and talk to each other and LISTEN and move toward healthier changes?  What will it take for us to stop reacting and start caring about each other?  To face situations with compassion and openness rather than fear?

Where is our compassion for each other?  Why IS it so shocking to strangers when they are created with compassion and warmth?  In particular, why is it still so shocking to our Black and Brown neighbors and loved ones; to homeless; to those with mental health challenges when they are greeted with warmth, compassion, caring, and engagement?  What do we need to do to open ourselves and our communities up so that this is no longer surprising but is just how we treat each other?

These are the questions that haunt me.... that make me want to keep reaching out.... keep surprising people until it isn't a surprise anymore.... To care, listen, protect, and support.... so that we all are richer....

What will you do with your privilege?

You won't find me sharing memes or short snipits for quick retorts on social media.... And most of the time you won't find me posting pictures of protests or talking about how I am going this protest or that protest (there are a lot of people doing this and it is NEEDED, it just isn't my space/energy)....

Here's what you will find me doing:

• Continuing the public service work that I do through my company NSE; including looking for more and more ways to help local organizations address inequities in public health, education, economy, employment, and the justice system
• Continuing to donate my time on each of these issues to work with groups who don't have any funding but who are working to make an impact
• Supporting Black and Brown businesses with my dollars (and businesses that support the changes to the racist systems and a movement toward a new way of treating each other)
• Doing a lot of pro bono community work to facilitate changes in policies but also in hearts and minds - to build a group effort to address the racism in our country and to help to build relationships
• Doing pro bono work (and maybe paid work) to help interested groups work on addressing these issues in their operations and among their employees/stakeholders
• LOVING on my family of choice and holding space with them and appreciating them for all of our differences and similarities - seeing the beauty and celebrating the beauty in all forms 
• Teaching my kids about the history, injustices, and their responsibilities to use their privilege to support and protect others
• Providing opportunities for my kids to make relationships, DEEP relationships, across racial lines
• Whenever I can, standing up for those who are more vulnerable - I'll keep stopping to talk to and see the homeless man downtown (sharing food when I can), I'll stand between those and the people who threaten them or act scared of them, I'll keep advocating and supporting my Black and Brown colleagues and peers who face daily microaggressions in the workplace - by adding my voice when I see and hear things that are not ok, cruel, evil, etc....
• And others I'm sure will pop up as I continue learning and living....

To be frank social media has been tough for me lately - there are a lot of new allies who are posting memes and highlighting their individual support and talking about how they were so moved at the protests they went to.  They may even be posting historical pieces and news pieces.... They are advocating for everyone to get out and vote.... And they are yelling about all the policies that need to change.

Yet it is from these same folks that I have heard:  "I never knew it was still this bad."  "What happened to the innocent black man was horrific?"  and "We have to change policies to force people to change behaviors because you can never get behavior to change without it"



What I want to ask them is:

• Do you know any of the names other than George?  Even other than George and Breana?  Do you know the century worth of names?  Do you know Emmitt Till?  Do you really understand how deep and traumatizing this is for our Black and Brown brothers, sisters, loved ones, neighbors, community members?  
• Have you really read and studied and understand what 'defunding the police' means?  Can you actively engage in a heated discussion defending the meme you posted?  Do you know what other policies and changes are needed?  Do you know how to contribute to making those changes happen?  (hint: it's not just by voting, other work needs to be done)
• What are you doing to continue the healing and change?  Is it just in dollars donated?  Books read?  
• What will you do after this wave of protests is over?  How will you contribute to the ongoing revolution and change?  
• Why does whether someone was guilty (of writing a bad check, taking a non-lethal weapon, etc) mean that their life was less worth living?  Since when did resisting (or not) automatically mean a death sentence was ok?  Since when did income and housing make a person more or less worthy of life?  Do you see and value ALL of the lives of our brothers and sisters - or only the ones that make you comfortable?
• How DEEP are you going with your understanding and work on this issue?  

I challenge all of us that it isn't just about one way or one approach or one thing.... It's all of them together to bring about the really needed change.  Changing policy and laws is important - Voting is important - but without changing hearts and spirits and building relationships I think we will get back here.  It is a chicken and egg question - but both have to happen.... So here is to those doing the deep work and facing the challenge of changing both -

Here's to the revolution!

A Time to Heal Cafes

Last week my sister-in-love Qwynn introduced her vision (which had also set me on fire) for some work that she (and now we) felt called to do to help advance the revolution that is currently happening - a way to begin to help facilitate and catalyze communities to engage in meaningful growth and change to hopefully begin to address the problems of racism and community and police relationships and dynamics to create safer, healthier communities for everyone but in particular for Black and Brown neighbors and loved ones....

Now we are ready to start sharing a bit of our vision for collaborative events with community organizers to help communities heal the relationships between police and community members. To that end, we will be collaborating with interested communities to host cafe-style events entitled A Time to Heal: Repairing and Renewing Relationships Between Community and Police. We both strongly believe that community led organizations and leaders play a critical role in starting the dialogue related to bridging the divide between the community and police. These events would bring together community members and local law enforcement in very small groups to communicate, engage, and connect in conversations on the topic (particularly during this COVID time - we will be monitoring and creating very small groups with plenty of social distance to allow for connection safely).

A Time to Heal Cafes will be held using a facilitation approach called World Cafe conversations. It focuses on promoting conversations in small groups, addressing critical issues, and moving toward a comprehensive message and increased cohesion among the participants. This approach will provide an opportunity for small group discussion in three-rounds, where participants will be able to discuss three guiding questions on current challenges facing community-police relations. It is possible that each community's first A Time to Heal Cafe would lead to more with the same group if they wanted to continue to meet and work on addressing the challenges facing community-police relations within each community. Cafes are structured to allow the participants to have significant input into the direction and flow of the discussion and the steps identified for action after the event.

We are currently doing a pilot version at a couple of locations but hope to offer A Time to Heal Cafes more broadly as time progresses. Please drop us a note at qgsalazar@gmail.com or virginia.dick@gmail.com if you are interesting in co-hosting an event with us or would like more information and discussion about these events. Now is the time for us to be the change that we want to see in our world - and we hope that we can contribute to the growing need for change and healing to support our Black and Brown neighbors and loved ones and to create healthier, more diverse, safer, happier communities.

It’s a Revolution and We Choose to be a Part of the Change

Guest post by Qwynn Galloway-Salazar

Amid the protests, I have found myself as an African American woman and spouse to a law enforcement officer in an extremely complicated position. I know the pain and historical trauma my black and brown brothers and sisters face, but I also feel the pain my husband brings home every day as an officer. Over the past week, I have prayed over him as he walks out the door. I have watched our daughters sob and lie awake until he is home from his shift at local protests. It has been unsettling, and at moments, I have felt my faith shaken and rocked to my core.

In the earlier parts of last week, I consistently watched the news and viewed my social media feeds more often than I would like to admit. I intentionally shared little for my own well-being. However, before I knew it, I was silently heading on a downward spiral. At times I found myself having a polarized view either for or against the police. I also had moments of feeling so alone with very few people to turn to- to periods where I wanted to go out and protest too! America’s historical roots are grounded in institutional racism, injustice, inequalities, discrimination, intolerance, and hatred (need I say more), which has led to the REVOLUTION. The tensions between police and the community are nothing new. Racial disparities in police interactions have been long-standing. According to the Washington Post’s database tracking police shootings, as of January 1, 2015, police officers killed 1,276 black people. The statistics are heartbreaking and cause for alarm. We are angered, sad, frustrated, fatigued, and ready to seek transformative social change.

Today, with eyes wide open and a grounded spirit, I find myself in a unique position. As an officer's spouse, I have been directly impacted by the fear, mistrust, and anger against the police. Additionally, for more than 10 years, I have had a working relationship with the criminal justice system to include law enforcement personnel and have trained many in trauma and de-escalation. I am also this chic from Queens, New York, whose best friend in 2001 lost her brother at the police's hands. The culmination of these experiences and others not mentioned has inspired me to develop a series of constructive dialogue in my community and surrounding communities on police and community relations.

I am being called to use my strategic planning facilitator skills in this work. For a living, I facilitate bringing together diverse community, state, and federal stakeholders together to create, implement, and sustain change in policies and practices. I also am currently a doctoral candidate pursuing a Ph.D. in Industrial and Organizational Psychology with specific research interests in Police Psychology. In these contentious times, I am choosing to have the courage to advocate for collaboration and the possibility to reimagine relationships between police and the communities in which they serve. Dialogues built on empathy, trust, understanding, and shared action for healing and reconciliation. As I begin to see peaceful protests throughout the country and see humankind start to stand in solidarity with my black and brown sisters and brothers, I think the time is right for transformative social change to begin TOGETHER!

This work is spirit work and a chance to shift the paradigm. I am lucky to have my friend/mentor/sister, Dr. Virginia Dick of NextStep Evaluation, to accompany me on this mission. In the beginning, as my friend, Virginia, would call in on my family periodically throughout the day. Often, she simply was there to hold space, but recently she has been fired up to join forces on this effort! Together we are collaborating to take on pro-social activities to bridge the gap between police officers and the communities in which they serve. In addition, we are working on collaborating with local police departments and aide them in evaluating their community policing initiatives pro-bono. This is just the beginning, and we know this road is not going to be easy. Nonetheless, the revolution has started, and we choose to be a part of the change.

Emotions.... feel.... express.... use.... grow

As I said in my last post - I am angry, sad, scared, anxious, frustrated.... and at the same time I feel a deep sense of connection and love and compassion and warmth.

Those are my emotions and they are what fuels the actions that I am engaging in and how I interact with people.  Being able to name and feel each of those is critical to being able to continue to move forward on the actions, advocacy, self-work, and to be able to be there to engage with and support my friends, loved ones and communities.  Over the past few years during much of my work in mindfulness and on my own self work, I have realized the importance of being able to identify the feelings and to sit with each of them - I don't need to change them, I need to be able to sit with them, feel them, identify them, and let them help me grow.  The full range of emotions helps me to be more aware, softer and able to be more compassionate with myself and others, to be more empathetic, and to be stronger overall.

“The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes. ”― Pema Chodron

It is also my job to teach my daughters how to feel emotions without having identify any emotion as right or wrong, but recognizing the importance of being able to feel all of them and to use the information we get from the emotions to help us grow and to guide us to engage in action and to be able to empathize with others.  I don't want them to shy away from uncomfortable feelings or to think they are something to hide.  It is not their job to make others more comfortable by hiding their emotions - it is their job to learn to feel and experience them and to use the feelings to move forward.  It means sitting with them with their emotions and helping them learn to name them, feel them, learn from them and move forward.

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”― Pema Chödrön

Emotions are intense.... and there are many of them that are being felt and expressed right now by everyone in the midst of the battle for racial and social justice.... all of them valid and important and in need of being expressed.  Almost everyone I know is feeling very intense emotions right now - and how they express those emotions is very very different.  One thing that struck me recently on a walking meditation, was how in nature - it is the confluence of all the different manifestations of things that brings about the greatest and most lasting change.  It is not just the single rainstorm - it's the violent storms and floods, combined with the periods of long dry spells, combined with long slow rains we experience.... It's the ebb and flow and rise and fall of the rivers and streams that creates the canyons.... It's the gusts of wind and the periods of stillness..

Likewise, for us to achieve real change for our communities - it takes ALL of our voices in all our different manifestations of emotions to really create powerful, long lasting change.... There is a place for all the emotions in the process of bringing about the change.  There's space for the anger and the fear and the frustration - and it's ok for your anger/fear/frustration to look and feel differently than another persons - and it's ok for what is your greatest push to be different than your loved ones.... But we can work together to have our voices come together as a loud symphony rather than single instruments.

“Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”But I say unto you, they are inseparable.Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

My voice and action comes out in acts of love, support, caregiving, nurturing, advocacy and writing.... I have other friends who are people of action - they need to act on the anger and express the rage and frustration physically and in a very loud voice and express some really heavy strong anger.... I have others who are feeling caught in the crosshairs of anger, grief, frustration and anxiety about loved ones who are on 'the other side' (police/military/etc), who are trying to figure out how to balance both.... I have friends who are struggling to really learn and understand their privilege and how to use it (shit I'm think this is something all of us with privilege should continually be working on but that's me).... I have friends who are angry and frustrated and want to participate in protests but are also dealing with the very real concerns and fears of illness for themselves or family and the risk of exposure to illness.... And I could go on and on.... All of these voices are STRONG and REAL and IMPORTANT!!!  And I think that it is only by embracing and understanding all of them and letting us each express and embrace our way of feeling and expressing and using our emotions can we grow individually and together to create one amazing environment/community/period of change.... And maybe when we are comfortable facing our own emotions and channeling and learning from them, we can also learn some compassion for ourselves and each other and be able to harness all of the power of all of the differences to make a better world for our children....

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”― Kahlil Gibran