February: Just a month or a way of walking through life.... Black History Month, Heart Month, Love and Being Part 3

 Love.... The most beautiful and complicated and important of all emotions.... 

I have written on love before....  so some of this may not be new but just rather expanded perspectives....

I have never understood why we have only one day and month where we really emphasize the
importance of love, nor why we as a culture prioritize monogamous romantic love over all other loves.... Love is the one thing that our world needs more of.... True, selfless, nurturing, fueling love - is the one thing that our world needs more of to continue healing and growing....

"... love is like water.  One drop is not so powerful, a few more drops and things begin to change, enough drops and you can move mountains." Rolf Gates

I think that so often our culture focuses on romantic love, particularly monogamous romantic love.... that everything else gets lost.... But what if we were able to really shift our view of love - to open it up - to recognize all the ways that love shows up for us and that we can show up for it - all the ways in which we can show it to each other and our world?  If we could celebrate love in ALL of its forms?

"I think... if it is true that/ there are as many minds as there/ are heads, then there are as many/ kinds of love as there are hearts." Leo Tolstoy (Anna Karenina)

My friends have often laughed at me that emotions are my superpower (personally I think this is sometimes a curse).... I have been so lucky to have known great love stories of all kinds personally - loves that were open, giving, long lasting, loves that focused on supporting, nurturing and freeing each other.... Loves that were a choice each and every day.... I'm lucky to have such love in my own life and to be able offer it back to others.... Love doesn't know limits - it just is - and it manifests in so many different ways in our lives and each and every one should be recognized and celebrated and nurtured....

"It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done." Vincent van Gogh

Love is meant to be freeing, lifting and opening.... to be giving and warm and safety.... it is not meant to be punishing or jailing or limiting.... I've already rambled on that before (click here for my ramblings on love).... Open, giving, nurturing love is the most uplifting and supportive thing we can offer each other.... It is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves....

Love is the simplest, freest thing we can offer.... it is the one thing we can offer ourselves and each other that costs us nothing and gives us everything.... it is the one thing that can heal wounds, protect and nuture and strengthen us....

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”― Mother Teresa

What if instead of celebrating love - real rich broad love - one day a year; we celebrated it and valued it and nurtured it all year long?  all life long?  In all the ways that love shows up in our lives?  What if we can stop expecting everyone's romantic loves to look the same way?  To appreciate and celebrate love in all of the ways it shows up for everyone?  What would the world look like if we could stop judging the way that people love and instead celebrated and helped spread love wherever we find it?  What if instead of judging who people love and why - we could just celebrate love everywhere that it shows up?  Yes love is a risk - love of all kinds (romantic, platonic, self).... but it is the greatest risk worth taking.... the opening up, the becoming vulnerable.... it is the hardest and most powerful thing we can do....

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

― Lao Tzu

Imagine the difference we can make when we begin by offering ourselves love, loving-kindness, and compassion... And continue to expand that to all those around us... To our family, to our communities, and most importantly - to those who we disagree or struggle the most with....

How can we keep working to add to those drops of water....

Let's move mountains.....

February: Just a month or a way of walking through life.... Black History Month, Heart Month, Love and Being Part 2

 Previous post focused on Black History Month.... 

But February also brings to mind love and hearts.... health in all forms in our lives.... Much like how we approach incorporating Black history into everyday life throughout the year, I would love to see a time when we did not need to have a special month focused on heart health and love.  But for now - we will use it as a time to call specific attention to things we should attend to all year long.... :)

A few months ago I started taking steps to take back my health.... I lost both of my parents to heart attacks, at far too young an age... I have already outlived the age my father was when he died.... But as I have watched other loved ones struggle with health issues over the years, I found myself halfway through my 40s and wanting to take my health back.  I want to improve on the legacy my children have - I want to be active and vibrant and wandering - well into old age... There are adventures and trips and milestones to hit....This journey is occurring as a take back my health journey rather than a weight loss journey.  I'm not sure exactly where it will end, but I know that it is leading to a healthier more active life... a stronger heart.... a reduced risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, and other chronic diseases.... For the first time in over 14 years, I'm no longer considered obese based on BMI measurements, I have logged a personal record of under 2 hours for a 15k race, I've hiked to peaks throughout Appalachia, I'm 150 miles into my 600 mile challenge for the year, and there is so much more to do.... 

February is American Heart Month where much of the public health and health focus is on understanding and focusing on the impact of heart disease on individuals.  In the United States, heart disease is the number one cause of death.  While February is heart month, this type of health awareness is so critical for us to remember and focus on throughout the year.... Instead of working toward temporary health - working for the beach body or just to reach a specific temporary goal - what would it look like if we considered overall health throughout the year - maintaining a healthy balance in all seasons?  

I am very aware of the privilege that I have to be able to prioritize my health and the finances to afford and transportation to have access to healthy food options and physical activity.  These are privileges that not everyone has access too.  I spend so much of my life working on health equity - that it feels like a waste to not take care of my health... an insult to those that do not have those same privileges and who face even greater risk.... The least I can do is to take care of the health and life I have been given.... To be able to be here and use my voice to try to help shift the system in some small way....

Take a minute, spend a moment, educate and understand.... Help each other... Particularly our sisters.... Particularly our Black and Brown sisters.... the disparities are being impacted, but we still have a long way to go.... 

Racial and Ethnic Disparities in Heart Disease

Know the Facts

Million Hearts Initiative

Heart and Health Equity

CVD and Health Equity

Heart disease is decreasing for all racial and ethnic groups, however it is still the leading cause of death in the United States and there are significant disparities in factors related to heart health: 

• Black adults over 20 were most likely to have hypertension in 2015-2016 compared to other racial groups
• Hispanic and non-Hispanic Black adults 20 and older were most likely to have obesity and diabetes
• Low income and minority individuals have a less access to healthy food
• Some research indicates that those with heart disease are at higher rates of food insecurity
• Hospitalization rates are higher in Black communities than among white communities.

What steps can we each take to take better care of our own health.... and to help our neighbors and communities to improve theirs.... 

February: Just a month or a way of walking through life.... Black History Month, Heart Month, Love and Being Part 1

This post is one that I really want to write but that I am also very nervous about sharing.... life has taught me that often in those cases, I need to do the hard thing and to write and share.... 

First let me own the place from which I write this - I am a white woman, now with a comfortable middle class income.... with that comes a lot of privilege.  I was raised in Appalachia and grew up in a culture with some significant biases, racism, and systemic issues - my parents worked hard to teach us and raise my brother and I with more open and loving perspectives but in hindsight I can see flaws even in those lessons.  So I am working on changing things for my daughters and continuing to move the work forward.... Life journeys have brought me to a place where most of my family of choice are Black and Brown families who love myself and my daughters more than any blood relatives could.  

There are a lot of things I still have to learn, a lot of times that I don't do it right, a lot of times that I need my loved ones to 'check me' .... But it is part of the journey and I hope to continue the growth and help be part of the change for future generations....

Black History Month movie recommendations

I recently posted about how my daughters and I have decided to be more thoughtful about our movie selections during February to include some specific films that have strong Black leads and that address both Black history and Black lives.  (Below are some links to great recommendations from that post). For me and my family, I think it is important to share book/movie and other items that we can use to expand our understanding and perspective.  As I watched comments come in a couple of key thoughts occurred to me:

* Another friend posted a meme that every month is about Black history - February is just an anniversary to celebrate it.  This made me think twice about my post but it also made me think about the way I talked about our movie selections with my daughters.  To make sure that we talk about how, we want to watch these movies regardless of the time of year/month.  And it also made me realize that many of the movies that were recommended were ones that we have already watched (and are re-watching).  Regardless of race, movie selections about Black lives, with strong Black leads and primarily Black casts should be part of all of our regular movie viewing along with discussions of concepts and questions that our kids have.  

* Talk with our kids about what they see or what they haven't been exposed to before.  I think we often protect our children who are used to lives of privilege, films can often provide windows and doors to talk about topics that are hard for kids to discuss or understand.  My daughters had me pause "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" to explain some of the key scenes that addressed racism and the KKK (they did not know what that was prior to that movie).... During Harriet, we paused it multiple times for them to ask questions about things that were being done to people and to give my youngest a chance to breathe through it.  When the girls came in while I was watching Lovecraft Country, it gave us a chance to talk about Black Wall Street and the traumas that have occurred in recent history.  

* Listen to your Black and Brown friends!  The recommendations that came from Black friends were more powerful in some ways for me. I received some private notes and recommendations as well.  These recommendations covered the spectrum of movies to watch.  While I appreciated the recommendations from my white friends, it was from those with lived experience that meant a great deal to me.  In addition, these friends provided articles and insights into movies that often my white friends love but that still have some problematic portions.  Understanding all sides helps me to understand and navigate watching and talking about them with my daughters.

* Include some lightness and other options, my youngest daughter is very tender hearted and while she enjoys watching the heavier movies and understands the need understand and feel the history (I am totally introducing her to Madam CJ Walker this week - be prepared to hear about the Goddess Madam when it's all done), she likes to have something light in between.  It's important to me to normalize movies where the cast is primarily Black - which means movies like the new Dr. Dolittle series (we are up to 3.... we may have jumped the shark but she loves them) and the Are We There Yet? series as moments of laughter and lightness.  I'm thankful for my Black friends who sent me some recommendations for those types of movies as well.... :) 

Here are some of the recommendation lists that we received, feel free to add any other recommendations in the comments - we love these all year long!

• https://lifehacker.com/10-movies-you-need-to-watch-during-and-after-black-hi-1846157277
• https://millennialindebt.com/lifestyle/greatest-black-movies-every-young-adult-needs-to-see?fbclid=IwAR1kfWXPimvUk_aUSOKLFlebmAwNbYlCV71TbqTkueC-CwzY_xRnda8xvOg
• Hidden Figures
• Loving
• The Color Purple
• Black Panther
• Akeelah and the Bee
• Roll Bounce
• When they see us
• The Hate You Give
• Selma
• Malcom X
• Ray
• Dream Girls
• Soul
• The Help
• Fences
• 13th
• Good Trouble

This is long enough now - so we will save the Heart Month, Love and Being for the next post - But to tie them all together.... It makes so much sense to me to tie Black History and Heart month together - for so many reasons:

• let us call attention to health disparities
• let us learn to really love one another and hold one another safe and close
• love is so much bigger than romantic love.... and we need to learn to turn that love and depth of love to our communities, to work stridently to heal wounds, broaden hearts, protect and repair all the damage done over the years.... 

Support Black Businesses all year long!  

https://www.websiteplanet.com/blog/support-black-owned-businesses/

Home and Family

I have been reading a book of Native American/Indigenous Cultures poetry during my morning meditation time recently.  This morning I read one that really touched me deeply and also started my mind spinning.  (see the bottom of the post for the full poem).

Much of my work throughout my career has focused on public health and child welfare, and often there will be several generations and branches of families living together for a wide range of reasons but primarily because it works for them.  I often envied the families who have multiple generations living together and supporting each other.  However, as I grew older and my personal life and work life expanded, I was surprised by how many people held a very negative perception of the extended family homes.  

Living in the United States I have heard the debate about housing and multigenerational/multi family housing for years - even now there are people on social media in the neighborhoods around me who yell 'not in our neighborhood'... Or complaints about the house that people 'suspect' has what they consider too many people living there.  There are protests and city ordinances that are put into place to limit or to try to define single family occupancy housing.  To be honest though - housing policies are not my area of specialty (that's more in the food access and child welfare arena).... I know just enough to be dangerous, and to see the hurt in the face of families who are struggling to find housing that is deemed 'appropriate' for raising children regarding space.

But growing up in Appalachia - this was the way so many of the families that helped raised me lived (it is a community raising a child not an individual).... 

Today I do not have biological family that would come live with me, although if my mom was alive I would bring her to live with me (it was part of the plan to move her near us when she passed).  However, I have and will always have open doors for my chosen family to have a safe place to live when they want.  

How often do we take the time to get to know our neighbors?  To find ways to support and encourage them?  To understand how interconnectedness works and supports them?  If we can redefine how we think about housing and family and community support - what differences can we make in homelessness and insecure housing in this country?   How can we begin to change how we view ALL of our neighbors, not just those who live as we do?  How can we begin to really see each other as people and to find ways to support each other regardless?  

The Housing Poem by Dian Million

Minnie had a house
which had trees in the yard
and lots of flowers
she especially liked the kitchen
because it had a large old cast iron stove
and that
the landlord said
was the reason
the house was so cheap.

Pretty soon Minnie's brother Rupert came along
and his wife Onna
and they set up housekeeping in the living room
on the fold-out couch,
so the house warmed and rocked
and sang because Minnie and Rupert laughed a lot.

Pretty soon their mom Elsie came to live with them too
because she liked being with the laughing young people
and she knew how the stove worked the best.
Minnie gave up her bed and slept on a cot.

Well pretty soon
Dar and Shar their cousins came to town looking for work.
They were twins
the pride of Elsie's sister Jo
and boy could those girls sing. They pitched a tent under
the cedar patch in the yard
and could be heard singing around the house
mixtures of old Indian tunes and country western.

When it was winter
Elsie worried
about her mother Sarah
who was still living by herself in Moose Glen back home.
Elsie went in the car with Dar and Shar and Minnie and Rupert and got her.
They all missed her anyway and her funny stories.
She didn't have any teeth
so she dipped all chewable items in grease
which is how they're tasty she said.
She sat in a chair in front of the stove usually
or would cook up a big pot of something for the others.

By and by Rupert and Onna had a baby who they named Lester,
or nicknamed Bumper, and they were glad that Elsie and Sarah
were there to help.

One night the landlord came by
to fix the leak in the bathroom pipe
and was surprised to find Minnie, Rupert and Onna, Sarah and Elsie, Shar and Dar
all singing around the drum next to the big stove in the kitchen
and even a baby named Lester who smiled waving a big greasy piece of dried fish.

He was disturbed
he went to court to evict them
he said the house was designed for single-family occupancy
which surprised the family

because that's what they thought they were.

https://www.talkingpeople.net/tp/literature/million/dianmillion.html

Guides, Mentors, and Supports - Cornerstones....

Early in my life, my parents taught me the importance of finding mentors and guides along the way.... and I have been blessed in my life to find amazing people who have helped me find my way and forge my own trail...

"I consider whatever success I meet with on a given day due in part to the way others have taught me how to live by their example." 

Rolf Gates

As I have gotten older and progressed along life and my career, I find it interesting that while often we (at least in US culture) accept and embrace the idea of mentors in our professional lives, we cringe from the idea of guides and supports in other aspects of our lives.  And often even in our professional careers, there is often the perspective that only those who are struggling need a good mentor.  When actually, it is often when we are at our strongest, that a mentor/guide or teacher can help us the most.  

Who told us that we were supposed to be able to figure it all out on our own?  Where did the notion come from that looking for support and guidance was a sign of weakness?  Have we become such an independence focused society that we do not think to stop and ask for help or to offer help to others?  Has the concept of mentorship become the intellectual property of the professional world and become so microcosmic that we no longer recognize the need and value of mentorship and guidance in other parts of our lives? How are we modeling or showing others around us and the next generation how to develop these types of relationships and the value of these connections?

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

I have had mentors who have helped me find my way in my personal and my professional life.... who have influenced the trails and paths I've taken even long after our official mentor relationship has evolved and shifted.  Likewise I have had teachers and guides who have helped me work through personal periods of growth and who have influenced my own journey in unexpected and significant ways.  There have been periods in my life where I have sought out mentors and guides because I was working through various things but there have been as many times where they have shown up unexpectedly and have had equally significant influence.

Sometimes we need guides and mentors in all aspects of our lives.... not just professionally and in our career but also in our interpersonal lives, in our internal lives, for our own personal growth, in a new hobby or area of interest, or in relationships or in any other aspect of our journeys.... How much richer and gentler can our lives be when we reach out and seek support along the way?  :) 

"I am not a teacher, but an awakener."— Robert Frost

My mentors and guides have helped me by showing me:

• my own strengths and beauty
• how to find my own path even when it seems out of sync with the norm (especially then)
• that it is possible and even beautiful to have a path that is completely and uniquely you
• how to embrace all of your own power and strength to find your way
• the variety of trails and paths that are possible
• new skills and talents
• new ways of seeing things 
• how to find and use my own voice
• the career path I have now - meaningful support to community minded non-profits
• how to find and create my own entrepreneurial path
• how to dance (yeah still working on this one)
• how to find my own way to create relationships and connections that are true to myself
• and so so so much more

I would not be where I am today without the guides and mentors who have helped me along the way - those who are currently coaching and encouraging me and those who have done so in the past.   I only hope that I can provide some of that support to others along the way as well.... hands reaching out and supporting each other.... 

And I'm not sure where my journey will continue to lead - but I will always be open to and seek out those guides and mentors along the way.... and I hope in some small way to be a light to others on their journeys....

"Hug and kiss whoever helped get you - financially, mentally, morally, emotionally - to this day. Parents, mentors, friends, teachers. If you're too uptight to do that, at least do the old handshake thing, but I recommend a hug and a kiss. Don't let the sun go down without saying thank you to someone, and without admitting to yourself that absolutely no one gets this far alone."— Stephen King

It is also our responsibility to help pass this along.... while we may always need those mentors and guides in our own lives, it is also our responsibility to each other to help others along the way as well - to pass along what we have learned and to help others find their own spark and path as well.  This is how we create community, strengthen and care for each other...And to thank those who have helped us along the way as well - to recognize all those coaches, mentors, teachers and guides.... 

“We’re here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.” — Whoopi Goldberg

Staying wild....

 

A quote in my morning meditation hit me in the face the other day....

"To be heathen means to belong to the wild, to take our lessons from the natural world, and to be nourished by what we fundamentally are rather than what we are told we must be." - The Holy Wild

When did the words heathen and wild become bad words or things to be avoided.... Why do we feel the need to hide and change who we are to fit a more 'civilized' world?  What changes can we truly make when we embrace our natural selves and listen to our deepest truths.... When we follow the lessons from the natural world and engage with our deepest strength, heart, and soul.... How much can we change and free ourselves, our communities and mother earth....What beauties, connections, and growth can we foster and realize.... How much healing of ourselves, relationships, and wounds can we begin when we step out of the forced civilized and expectations and return to fundamentals?

"They trusted their instincts, followed their passions, willfully shaped their days into the lives they most wanted to lead." Phenomenal

Often I find myself most at conflict when I fight against my own natural inclinations.... this is when I am the most uncomfortable and hurt and struggling.  It is when I return to myself, to my own sense of wild - that I come home and I remember to let mother nature nourish and fulfill me - to set my own spirit free.  It is in this embrace of my deep roots and the connection to the natural world that I remember the importance of deep roots, connection to our own strength and tender areas, the power and beauty that exists in diversity, and the great beauty that exists by allowing things to take their natural course and the wide variety of beauty that occurs.

"In the heart rests both the tree's strength and its weakness." Ecology of a Cracker Childhood

Often our greatest strengths and our weaknesses are the same - we see this in the natural world and can learn from that.  It is my very tenderness, my deep emotions, my wildness that many may say are my weaknesses - however those very things also give me the strength to withstand many storms, to provide nurturing and care for my loved ones in each of their respective struggles, that allow me to tune into empathy and gentleness and send more out into the world.... it is those things that have given me the strength to withstand the storms of life and to come through a little taller, more flexible, and more nurturing.....

"The seasonal migrations of my life, the initiations, would never end. There would always be a proving ground to face. But acknowledging and embracing this was crucial to moving forward." Phenomenal 

"We do not live outside or inside of nature. We are nature. We are not separate from each other [..] and our fates are intertwined, always." Phenomenal

So often on my hikes and wanderings - even in my own garden and yard - I'm reminded of how interconnected we all are and how connected we are to our mother earth.  The diversity that exists and surrounds us in the natural environment is a lesson to all of us about how important we are to each other and to our world.  The moss and new growth that is dependent and growing on the trees, the variety of trees that grow to create the most beautiful forests, the variety of fall colors that exist most beautifully in forests of diverse trees, the way a field of multiple wildflowers is as breathtaking as any manicured garden could ever be, the way fungi and other new growth sprouts up throughout the forest in a range of colors, shapes and descriptions.... We can learn by watching the way different trees and plants and animals flourish in different environments - the old live oaks along the coast, the range of wild sea birds, the feel of the soft ground with a myriad of growth on it, the hidden sources of nourishment and strength.... All of this is lessons for us

We depend on each other, we are stronger together, and our lives are more robust and more beautiful when we allow ourselves to live freely and we provide the safety and opportunity for our loved ones to do the same.  The more we seek to accept our neighbors, friends, and others - just as they are - and provide the space, opportunity, and acceptance for them to grow along their journey - the more that same opportunity comes back to us and we have the chance to create a richer and stronger self and world.  

"nature wouldn't ridicule you, would let you play. Oblivious, it went about its business without you, but it was there when you needed some gift, a bit of beauty: it would be waiting for you." Ecology of a Cracker Childhood

Natural environments have always been my escape place.  They are where I run to when the hurt gets to be too much, when I need to recharge, when I need to remember who I am and what is important (to heal the broken heart, to commune with the ancestors, to focus and remember what I want to offer back out to the world).... In these environments I feel the safety to play or grieve or laugh or sing or just be - in whatever way my spirit needs.... It is consistent and accepting in a way that so much of the 'civilized world' is not.... It does not expect me to be anything but rather just accepts me exactly as I am in that given moment.  I'm still learning to do this for myself - so that I can continue to grow stronger in my own voice and self - outside of expectations - and so that I can offer safe space for my loved ones to do the same.  Imagine what a difference that this shift could make for all of us?  If we allowed ourselves to turn to the natural world and be our most authentic selves and provide the space for those around us to do the same?  Imagine what a change this could bring to all of us and to our communities?  If we could recognize and support and encourage the diversity and individual growth instead of fighting for things to fit into a box society made for them?

I often refer to my daughters as wildlings.... and I hope they always continue to return to the wild of themselves.  One of my daily meditations includes a focus on returning to my own wild - my own natural state and embracing that and living it out loud each and every day.

Kindness Matters

It seems the further along we go in this year.... the more the concept of love and kindness keeps speaking to me.  With the election, the pandemic, and the necessary recognition and addressing social inequities and racism in our country - the concepts of kindness, loving, and gentleness are things that often are moved to the back of the discussion when they are present at all.  Watching social media battles, the rare times I see televised commercials, and browsing through the masses of mail - all of these things have led me to spend a lot of time and thought focusing on simplicity and kindness in recent days and weeks.  

“I think probably kindness is my number one attribute in a human being. I’ll put it before any of the things like courage, or bravery, or generosity, or anything else… Kindness—that simple word. To be kind—it covers everything, to my mind. If you’re kind that’s it.” —Roahl Dahl

And as it so typically is - the simple fact is:  Kindness Matters

It may be all that matters.... It is what is at the root of us being compassionate and warm to ourselves and to others.  It's the difference between responding defensively and listening with openness.  It can make the difference between anger, violence, and pain or a healing and growth and beauty.  The difference we can experience in our interactions with each other and in our communities overall when we make it our mission to respond first with kindness can be overwhelming.... 

Kindness is such a simple concept and yet so seemingly difficult to actually implement at times.  Being consistently kind and offering kindness to the world means being gentle and kind even when we are tired, frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed - kindness in all weather.... and kindness to ourselves and our loved ones but also most importantly - kindness to those who are not like us, who push us out of our comfort zone, who disagree with us.... in all settings.... 

“As for…the fear that compassion will involve you in suffering, counter it with the realization that the sharing of sorrow expands your capacity to share joy as well. When you callously ignore the suffering of others, you lose the capacity to share their happiness, too.”—Albert Schweitzer

I can remember my mom telling me that if I couldn't say something kind then maybe I shouldn't say anything at all - it is one of the many snip-its that she passed on to me that still resonates in my head as I move through life - and while I don't always achieve it.... I do strive... and yes if you have seen me get quiet, sometimes it's because I'm working on following this mantra :)  I remind myself that I do know what others are struggling with or working through at any given time - so meeting frustration and anger with a similar response does nothing to help any of us, rather if I can step back, breathe and greet those negative emotions with gentleness and kindness and compassion then we have a chance to climb over the wall together or at least minimize the damage and pain to each other.  This can be particularly challenging when we feel attacked, shamed, or wounded by another person - or when we feel anger and frustration at others behaviors or opinions.  Too often in our technology focused world - it's easy to let ourselves slip into those places of negative anger responses - throwing words and reactions at people that are meant to incite and challenge rather than build connection and support.  It's so easy to share those 'silly memes' that actually shame someone, or pit one group against another, or belittle a group.... rather than thinking and holding back on those inflammatory type simple shares and thinking more about how to share warmth (or as mom said - just say nothing).

“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.” —Maya Angelou

But kindness to everyone, kindness in general - to those who disagree with you, to those who have hurt you, to those you disagree with, to yourself and our world..... It is a simple and yet very deep, challenging practice - but it is the only thing that can make a difference in our world. We need to stop sharing the memes that pit one against the other, that pit parents against teachers, that shame each other, and that seek to shame or wound.... Instead we focus on supporting and showcasing those moments of support and engagement, of kindness and healing, of why kindness to others matters, and of how we can spread more support, caring, and kindness.  Kindness is the one thing we can all do to heal wounds, to protect and care for each other, and to have impacts internally, locally, and globally....

To be kind to others, we must first be gentle and kind to ourselves - sometimes I think this is the hardest thing to do!  We must first be gentle and kind to ourselves - when we struggle, fall, face-plant, and stumble - taking care of ourselves, encouraging and supportive as well as understanding so that we can continue to rise again and continue moving forward.  Only when we are kind to ourselves can we be truly kind and gentle with others.  

“Kindness eases change.

Love quiets fear. 

And a sweet and powerful 

Positive obsession 

Blunts pain, 

Diverts rage, 

And engages each of us 

In the greatest, 

The most intense 

Of our chosen struggles.” 

― Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents

Value of simplicity

There is a picture that used to hang on an exterior wall of a building in Savannah.  I have loved that painting and the quote since the first time I saw it.  It resonated with my soul and with the journey that I have been on for the past several years.  A friend of mine saw it recently and commented - "that is it exactly".... We (society) make things too complicated; we forget to see the trees for the forest, we become overly focused on the details and miss the simple key ideas that bring us back home.

Over the past eight or nine years in particular, I have been working my way back to a life of simplicity and depth - where my days are composed more of tending my yard and garden, playing with the dogs and kids, slowing down and hiking as much as I can, reading wonderful literature and thought provoking texts, futzing in the kitchen over canning and comfort meals, and working through my consulting work to help my handful of amazing deep clients who are working to make a change in the world regarding health and equity.  

“There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth.” ― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

One of the greatest compliments I have ever received was when a friend's son commented that he enjoyed being at my house because 'Ms Va only has one rule - don't be mean to animals.... well and don't be mean to people.... so I guess just be nice'....She and I laughed that my home is the one that most of the kids (and their parents know) is the 'hippy house' - art happens, food is simple and not custom ordered ;) and yeah the general rule is to just be gentle and kind - to ourselves, to each other, to our earth, to animals.... Life is simple, but so deep and rich when we allow ourselves to slow down and really savor that simplicity....

I'm no longer focused on rushing to make sure I'm at every cool event, or that my house is a show place, shoot I'm not even trying to create a show place garden or yard, I'm not in and out of stores to entertain myself or buy more things for my home, I'm worrying less about the image I leave and more about touching lives and living my fullest life.  I'm tuning out of news and TV and into the stories and environments around me that I can touch....

This is the most revolutionary thing a woman can do: the next precise thing, one thing at a time, without asking permission or offering explanation. ~ Glennon Doyle, Untamed

I've known rivers: I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the flow of human blood in human veins. My soul has grown deep like the rivers. ~ Langston Hughes

I'm working to stay in the deep part of the river - where the water is both warm and cold in turns, the current is strong but often slow and steady, where there is a richness of experience - instead of in the shallows where the water may be warm and the rocks visible but where we can miss the depth of experience because we are so focused on the complications of navigation.  Some of us stay only in the warmth of the upper level and the shallows, others stay in the cold dark depths - and the richest life is found in the depth of both - being able to swim and navigate and feel the fullness of all.  I am turning my attention to my own heart and spirit and to savoring my connections and each experience....

Recently I was listening to Untamed and one of the concepts really struck me - the idea of continually checking in with ourselves - to ensure that each decision we make (from as significant as relationships/connections to as everyday as what to do for dinner) is made in alignment with our spirit and our heart - that it is true to ourselves.  Much like maintaining our axis in tango - it really is that simple.  A simple check in of "is this true to me?  what is the most right and truest decision for my journey?".... Staying true to ourselves let's us truly savor those connections and experiences and to be the richest, fullest versions of ourselves for those around us.... 

There is no one way to live, love, raise children, arrange a family, run a school, a community, a nation. The norms were created by somebody, and each of us is somebody. We can make our own normal. – Glennon Doyle, Untamed

So much of the heavy topics that are facing us today really are pretty simple at their core - for me and my home it does come down to - be gentle and compassionate (aka not mean, kind :) ).... It's not the noise about what political party you identify or don't identify with, or what organizations you identify or don't identify with - it's about how you walk through this earth and how you embrace yourself, others walking the world with you, and mother earth....

At the end of the day it's simply about Black lives matter, they matter and deserve respect and honor and value; people need love and patience and compassion regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation (or any other characteristics); mother earth deserves respect, love and care; children deserve to be loved and protected and educated; everyone deserves nurturing and support for mental and physical health; access to healthy food should be a given and not something special.  It isn't about whether you support a particular movement, politician, or espouse the exact same ideals of how to achieve these things - These are deep core principles, they are simple.... They get muddied when society wants to introduce all the complicated shallow components - the nuances of terms and language.  Society seeks to use the shallow complexities to divide and separate and move us away from these simple deep principles.  

“Escape from complicated life! Take refuge in simple life! You will find three treasures there: Healthy body, peaceful mind and a life away from ambitious fools!”

― Mehmet Murat ildan

It takes great depth to love and support one another - but it is a simple thing - maybe the simplest - but it also creates great depth and strength among all of us.

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and

Delight. When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we will not be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

Edgar Meyer

We are gifts.... We are enough....

I am me.... and that alone is my gift, my power, my journey, and my blessing...

“When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn't.”

― Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

So often we forget to listen and to appreciate all that we are.... We get caught up in what society tells us we should be, how we should be.... I have found myself too often documenting what society says are my flaws and trying to dim or change them -

I will be too curvy, too messy, too loud, too quiet, too spontaneous, to hippie, too sexual, too unorthodox, too free, too loving, too emotional, too strong, too independent, not independent enough, too soft, too tender, too gentle, too open, too forgiving, too clutzy, too fat, too accident prone, too wild.... 

but all of that is mine to be... that is the way I am shaped and the gifts that have been given me, that is the unique dynamic that is mine alone.  I do not need to try to shape-shift to fit what society is trying to tell me to be....

and if I'm not deeply and truly and completely me then who am I?
Who am I to try to fit my round self into a too small square?

what beauty and freedom and gifts am I denying myself and those who truly see and love me if I do not fully embrace and live out who I am... We need to embrace our gifts, which often come from the very parts of ourselves that we think of as weaknesses or limitations or flaws (My emotionality is what gives me the strength to hold space for my loved ones in their times of storms).  Our limitations often allow us to have greater appreciation of our achievements (I may be curvy or fat but I can do a half marathon and hike for days)

what words and actions do I hide because I'm afraid that I and they will be too much for someone?  What does that cost in lost diversity and beauty in the world... When I dim my own flame - what am I shutting out for myself and for others?  When I assume that my rawness and being are too much - what am I costing myself? What am I hiding that someone else or myself may need in that moment?  When I think my hikes and meditations are too tender - what am I costing myself?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

― C.G. Jung

There have been moments (actually significant chunks of time) when I have questioned whether I am really worthy to host hikes and meditations, to lead an evaluation company, or to host tango events.... I mean come on - I'm a country chick from Appalachia who is overly curvy (even at my slimmest) and clutzy and who is just now coming into her own with reading and studying deeper meditative works....

And yet - there are the moments when I slow down enough to listen to the universe and my own spirit and I find that: (1) I come out of my hikes and meditations more peaceful; (2) I connect with someone in a very powerful way at one of my hikes; (3) I slow down to realize that despite all my clutzy nature - I have friends and loved ones around the globe from my tango journey; (4) my heart is full from tango embraces even when I trip over my own feet but my partner laughs and hugs me tighter; (5) my client receives an award or grant because of work they are doing that they can show because of my work....And even more importantly - in all these areas I have met colleagues who add SOOOOO much to my own life and to the mosaic of each of the these areas because of our different voices/spirits/selves.....Recently, I led my monthly hike and meditation again - but on my own.... and the time in the woods reminded me of how important my own voice and life and experience was.....

“To realize one’s personal legend is one’s only true obligation.” – Paulo Coelho

Imagine a wildflower field with only one type of flower (sunflower fields are all the rage).... they are beautiful.... But the beauty of a field that is a riot of color from different flowers?  The beauty of a forest full of different trees?  The strength of an ecosystem that is made up of all different voices and creatures?  That is a thing of breathtaking beauty - And that is why each of us is a gift!!  Just as we are!!

Who are you?  What things do you discount about yourself and hide for fear of expectations? 

What are you denying yourself and others by hiding that unique flame and blossom?  

How can we each step more fully into ourselves so that we fully experience and gift ourselves all of those parts and experiences?  

How can we more fully appreciate each other in our fullness instead of contributing to the societal expectations and trying to fit our loved ones into boxes? 

“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”

― James Baldwin, Collected Essays: Notes of a Native Son / Nobody Knows My Name / The Fire Next Time / No Name in the Street / The Devil Finds Work / Other Essays

A year ago today - I lost one of my dearest friends.... I wish I had been able to say all of this to him... That he could have fully understood how valuable his voice was to us all and how grateful I am to have had his presence when he was here and his voice now helping keep me moving along my journey.... And how his voice helps me continue to find my way outside of the societal expectations and back to fully embracing who I am.... I wish he could have done the same and hope that where he is now he is able to finally be at peace with all of who he is....

Deep Roots and Crutches.... which tools to use....

There is a difference between the tools that we use that act as crutches - that keep us from falling too frequently or that serve to help us regain our balance quickly.... These are often things that we turn to first - we may even slip into a pattern of believing that they are what ground us.... But really they are just simple tools (much like crutches) that help us continue on our journey -

"she'd been fighting herself so long now, the idea of trusting herself seemed foreign. and yet....if she could trust...if she could just trust herself ~ she just might discover the best friend she's ever known" - Terri St. Cloud, Honor Yourself

What keeps us from falling over completely - are our roots - the things we do that fully and truly and deeply ground us.  These deep root tools are the ones that really 'take us to ground' and give us our true stability.  They are what allow us to truly continue our journey and grow to our strongest and most authentic selves....

 "i will accept the falls. embrace my scars. live my passion. i will not run." - Terri St. Cloud, Honor Yourself

 If we only utilize and focus on our daily tools - our crutches - then we run the risk of still falling over when things get really hard....

We must feed our deep roots - we must utilize those tools - regularly (not daily, but regularly) so that we maintain our strong deep grounding roots.  It is our roots that allow us to fall and get back up and continue growing.  It is our roots that allow us to integrate those falls and blemishes to create a richer deeper self instead of letting them crush us....

“The world will give you that once in awhile, a brief timeout; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life.”

― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

It has taken this current pandemic environment for me to be able to recognize the difference between the two - to recognize the tools that I use as crutches and that keep me moving but don't really build my roots and those that actually strengthen me and ground me deeply.  I have had to transition to focusing more on the grounding tools than on the tools that are crutches.

“You create a path of your own by looking within yourself and listening to your soul, cultivating your own ways of experiencing the sacred and then practicing it. Practicing until you make it a song that sings you.”

― Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

My crutches include - going out socially with friends, dancing, undertaking new projects and learning new skills, going to workshops, and those sorts of activities.  These are all things that I love doing and that do help me stabilize and are reinvigorating for me.  They are important things for me to be doing on a regular basis when I can...  However, they don't always help build my roots, the true deep grounding that I need.   They are typically external things - and are not something that is completely in my control to feed and engage with, they do not build my own deep grounded roots.



My deep root activities are much more cerebral and internal - reliant on myself and creating internal connection.  They include - extensive reading, meditation, physical activity, time in nature, writing/journaling, creatively producing (art, cooking, etc).  These are the things that ground me and feed my deep roots.  They are the things that I need to focus on so that I maintain a strong base and foundation to be able to weather any storm that comes.

“it was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.”

― Rupi Kaur

What are some of your tools?  Which ones are your crutches and which are your deep root tools?  How do you find balance in using and engaging with each of them?  Where do you need to spend more time and invest in creating or identifying new tools?  How often are you using each?

“There is no place so awake and alive as the edge of becoming. But more than that, birthing the kind of woman who can authentically say, 'My soul is my own,' and then embody it in her life, her spirituality, and her community is worth the risk and hardship.”

― Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter