Friday, May 29, 2020

The responsibility of privilege

i am angry.... I am sad.... I am scared.... None of what I feel is even a fraction of what my loved ones and family of color experience on a regular basis; what they live with....

I haven't posted anything publicly yet about the prevalent racism, hatred, murders, and the increased visibility of the violence against people of color because I've wanted the space to feel all the emotions and MORE importantly to check on my friends and loved ones of color and to spend time just being and feeling with them and standing with them.  And to use the time to have conversations with my two daughters about our responsibility to stand between our loved ones (and those at risk of receiving this violence) and danger and what that means - how we should be using our privilege.

Previously I've written about my own history and development of relationships that have influenced my own understanding of my privilege and the importance of diverse friendships and connections - Hacienda de Abrazos: What if....

A lot has been written about our responsibility to address systemic change from our place of privilege and I agree with all of that.  (See the article 75 Things White People Can Do)  And I agree, this level of systemic change is critical.  When I started NextStep Evaluation, public service and outreach philosophy was a key component.... now more and more our work is guided by social justice and equity perspectives.  Almost all of our work includes a focus on reducing disparities, advocating and advancing equity - it undergirds all the work I do.  This includes identifying and addressing my own limitations, privilege, and biases and working to constantly educate and address those things in myself and to help the communities I work with (and my community) to effect the systems and bring change.  This also includes educating our white children (and those with privilege with high income and other resources) about how to see the disparities, understand the history and the impact of those historical and current situations, and to ACTIVELY work to build environments that correct and adjust and build systems based on love and support and actively fight against and protect against the hatred, separation and violence.

However, I think I would shift one thing in the article - we need to build relationships and our own ability and our children's ability to love and protect and advocate for each other.... Even as we work together to address the systemic problems in our society - I think there are some things even closer to us that we need to be doing DAILY to address the racism, violence, and hatred our black and brown neighbors and loved ones face (to me these are one and the same group)....

1.  Stop shielding our white children from the past.  Last year I took my girls to the Cherokee museum on our way to camping in the Smokies.  My youngest was in love with the historical pieces and in finding out more about her ancestors... until we hit the section about the trail of tears when I saw her crumple to the floor.  So we sat and we talked about it - and much like we did when we went to Monticello and to the Civil Rights Museum.... we had the hard conversation about WHY I needed her to stand up and read and learn about this part of it too.  That without knowing the painful past, we cannot fully understand the privilege we have and why it is so critical for us to work to change things and to protect those who need it.  Each year the girls and I try to visit places where they are exposed to the historical pieces and we have the hard conversations about what that history means even for people today.  I took them to Monticello the year they were studying Jefferson in school - and yes we toured the slaves quarters and had the conversation about what it meant and what it says about the man they had studied (again we had the pause while Natalie absorbed it, cried pretty hard as she realized what it would have meant for her relationships, and talked about how she can use that knowledge). Stop sugar coating the history of the founding fathers - it is possible to acknowledge that some great discoveries were made by someone who also had some pretty horrible practices.  Make it real. Some resources I have taken the girls to are:  The Tubman Museum in Macon, GA; The Civil Rights Museum in Atlanta; Monticello in Virginia; Cherokee Indian History Museum in Cherokee NC.... We also plan to visit the Wren's Nest in Atlanta; the King Memorial in Atlanta; the The National Memorial for Peace and Justice museum in AL, and I'm always looking for other opportunities.  (NOTE not all of these use updated language but they provide a good basis and provide an opportunity to educate your children and yourself - even if you read and find contradictory information you want to share and teach your kids about).  Where have you been and recommend going?

2 -Educate ourselves and our children - Find books to read to educate yourself, read articles and blogs, do the hard work to face yourself and teach your kids to do the same.  Have books available and common throughout the house that include a wide variety of characters and topics - make it commonplace for them.  My girls know that at least have of my hard copy book shelf includes books by Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Octavia Butler, and Toni Morrison (for right now - that shifts over time but those are consistent).   Include both books about addressing inequality and disparities and also just about life.... Even light things - my favorite princess is Tiana (for many reasons - strong ass lady who cooks ups a storm and starts her own business and saves pretty much everyone - yes please.... although lets face it - I'm probably as much Mama Odie as Tiana) 

3 - Be able to sit with discomfort, to name it, to experience hard things... and help your kids to do the same.  When you see or hear or feel something that nudges you or makes you uncomfortable, has you questioning things you may have taken for granted, not done and thought about again, or just something that made you uncomfortable - learn to sit and unpack it.  Help your kids to do the same.... think and write about why you feel that way and what you may or may not do about it.  Stop hiding from the legitimate anger, fear, sadness and grief.... our brothers and sisters don't get the privilege of hiding from it and neither should we. 

4 - Learn to use all of that information and your voice to stand up for, protect, and learn from our friends/colleagues/peers/neighbors of color.  Teach your children the importance of using their privilege to stand up for and with their peers of color.  During a recent hiking trip, I took the time to once again have the conversation with the girls about what they should do if they see someone being mistreated or bullied or isolated.  This also led to a conversation we have periodically as they get older and have more and more opportunities where they will be out with their friends and classmates without us - what to do if they are out and one of their friends (or a group of their friends/classmates/peers) is approached or detained by security or police or other adult.  This is a hard conversation to have but an important one.  I teach both of the girls - and they will both tell you - that their responsibility is to text myself and their dad that they need us and where they are but that they are to STAY with their peer/classmate/friend/neighbor until we get there - even if that means going to a police station with them or getting into trouble with the other adult.  They are to stay with their friend at all times - we will be there (most like with other child's parents) ASAP.  I let them watch some things with on news reports and other documentary/based on real life movies about why this is so important. 

5 - Create and look for relationships with diverse families and individuals.  I have been blessed over the past 20 years to build relationships with black families, refugee families, Hispanic families, bi-cultural families.  They have occurred naturally and are now the family that I have (I have lost contact or been disowned by most of my biological family).  My daughters and I are frequently in the minority at social gatherings and quite comfortable about it.  It is home for us.... It has also normalized it and created greater opportunities for my daughters to have close relationships with a very diverse group of families.  These are families we spend nights at each others houses, they are the family I call when things are rough, they are the folks my girls call aunt and cousin.... The opportunity to have these rich fullfilling relationships across racial lines is one of the things I love best about my life....

6 -Look for opportunities to take the girls places where we are the minority (not just family events - but community events).  This is so important - first to provide the experience of many enriching activities that they would miss otherwise and to celebrate the vibrancy that diversity brings and two because it provides the opportunity for the kids to build empathy and understand and comfort with being in a wide range of places with a wide range of people.  I LOVE taking the girls to the UniverSoul circus each year, taking them and to parks in neighborhoods that are primarily African American or Hispanic, going to plays that our friends are performing in that are in parts of town that are more diverse than ours, taking them to cultural locations and places that are neighborhoods that are primarily black, Hispanic, refugee, immigrant and a wide variety of incomes.  Sometimes this means being uncomfortable and that's ok.... it also is an opportunity to forge friendships and connections outside of our own bubbles.

7 -In all things show love.... Sometimes this means being angry, protective, nuturing, and defending others.  It means understanding and building empathy for the vastly different experiences we have.  It is sitting quietly and listening, educating ourselves, and looking for ways to support, protect and nuture and to take care of each other. 

Anxiety and fear that we feel is nothing compared to what our loved ones have been carrying
Read, educate, LOVE, stop sheltering our children and teach them to be STRONG IN LOVING and protecting....

If you know of any good reads or experiences - please share - We have to do the work ourselves and even more critically we need to keep working to help our children create, have, and maintain a safer, more loving and connected community....