Staying wild....

 

A quote in my morning meditation hit me in the face the other day....

"To be heathen means to belong to the wild, to take our lessons from the natural world, and to be nourished by what we fundamentally are rather than what we are told we must be." - The Holy Wild

When did the words heathen and wild become bad words or things to be avoided.... Why do we feel the need to hide and change who we are to fit a more 'civilized' world?  What changes can we truly make when we embrace our natural selves and listen to our deepest truths.... When we follow the lessons from the natural world and engage with our deepest strength, heart, and soul.... How much can we change and free ourselves, our communities and mother earth....What beauties, connections, and growth can we foster and realize.... How much healing of ourselves, relationships, and wounds can we begin when we step out of the forced civilized and expectations and return to fundamentals?

"They trusted their instincts, followed their passions, willfully shaped their days into the lives they most wanted to lead." Phenomenal

Often I find myself most at conflict when I fight against my own natural inclinations.... this is when I am the most uncomfortable and hurt and struggling.  It is when I return to myself, to my own sense of wild - that I come home and I remember to let mother nature nourish and fulfill me - to set my own spirit free.  It is in this embrace of my deep roots and the connection to the natural world that I remember the importance of deep roots, connection to our own strength and tender areas, the power and beauty that exists in diversity, and the great beauty that exists by allowing things to take their natural course and the wide variety of beauty that occurs.

"In the heart rests both the tree's strength and its weakness." Ecology of a Cracker Childhood

Often our greatest strengths and our weaknesses are the same - we see this in the natural world and can learn from that.  It is my very tenderness, my deep emotions, my wildness that many may say are my weaknesses - however those very things also give me the strength to withstand many storms, to provide nurturing and care for my loved ones in each of their respective struggles, that allow me to tune into empathy and gentleness and send more out into the world.... it is those things that have given me the strength to withstand the storms of life and to come through a little taller, more flexible, and more nurturing.....

"The seasonal migrations of my life, the initiations, would never end. There would always be a proving ground to face. But acknowledging and embracing this was crucial to moving forward." Phenomenal 

"We do not live outside or inside of nature. We are nature. We are not separate from each other [..] and our fates are intertwined, always." Phenomenal

So often on my hikes and wanderings - even in my own garden and yard - I'm reminded of how interconnected we all are and how connected we are to our mother earth.  The diversity that exists and surrounds us in the natural environment is a lesson to all of us about how important we are to each other and to our world.  The moss and new growth that is dependent and growing on the trees, the variety of trees that grow to create the most beautiful forests, the variety of fall colors that exist most beautifully in forests of diverse trees, the way a field of multiple wildflowers is as breathtaking as any manicured garden could ever be, the way fungi and other new growth sprouts up throughout the forest in a range of colors, shapes and descriptions.... We can learn by watching the way different trees and plants and animals flourish in different environments - the old live oaks along the coast, the range of wild sea birds, the feel of the soft ground with a myriad of growth on it, the hidden sources of nourishment and strength.... All of this is lessons for us

We depend on each other, we are stronger together, and our lives are more robust and more beautiful when we allow ourselves to live freely and we provide the safety and opportunity for our loved ones to do the same.  The more we seek to accept our neighbors, friends, and others - just as they are - and provide the space, opportunity, and acceptance for them to grow along their journey - the more that same opportunity comes back to us and we have the chance to create a richer and stronger self and world.  

"nature wouldn't ridicule you, would let you play. Oblivious, it went about its business without you, but it was there when you needed some gift, a bit of beauty: it would be waiting for you." Ecology of a Cracker Childhood

Natural environments have always been my escape place.  They are where I run to when the hurt gets to be too much, when I need to recharge, when I need to remember who I am and what is important (to heal the broken heart, to commune with the ancestors, to focus and remember what I want to offer back out to the world).... In these environments I feel the safety to play or grieve or laugh or sing or just be - in whatever way my spirit needs.... It is consistent and accepting in a way that so much of the 'civilized world' is not.... It does not expect me to be anything but rather just accepts me exactly as I am in that given moment.  I'm still learning to do this for myself - so that I can continue to grow stronger in my own voice and self - outside of expectations - and so that I can offer safe space for my loved ones to do the same.  Imagine what a difference that this shift could make for all of us?  If we allowed ourselves to turn to the natural world and be our most authentic selves and provide the space for those around us to do the same?  Imagine what a change this could bring to all of us and to our communities?  If we could recognize and support and encourage the diversity and individual growth instead of fighting for things to fit into a box society made for them?

I often refer to my daughters as wildlings.... and I hope they always continue to return to the wild of themselves.  One of my daily meditations includes a focus on returning to my own wild - my own natural state and embracing that and living it out loud each and every day.

Kindness Matters

It seems the further along we go in this year.... the more the concept of love and kindness keeps speaking to me.  With the election, the pandemic, and the necessary recognition and addressing social inequities and racism in our country - the concepts of kindness, loving, and gentleness are things that often are moved to the back of the discussion when they are present at all.  Watching social media battles, the rare times I see televised commercials, and browsing through the masses of mail - all of these things have led me to spend a lot of time and thought focusing on simplicity and kindness in recent days and weeks.  

“I think probably kindness is my number one attribute in a human being. I’ll put it before any of the things like courage, or bravery, or generosity, or anything else… Kindness—that simple word. To be kind—it covers everything, to my mind. If you’re kind that’s it.” —Roahl Dahl

And as it so typically is - the simple fact is:  Kindness Matters

It may be all that matters.... It is what is at the root of us being compassionate and warm to ourselves and to others.  It's the difference between responding defensively and listening with openness.  It can make the difference between anger, violence, and pain or a healing and growth and beauty.  The difference we can experience in our interactions with each other and in our communities overall when we make it our mission to respond first with kindness can be overwhelming.... 

Kindness is such a simple concept and yet so seemingly difficult to actually implement at times.  Being consistently kind and offering kindness to the world means being gentle and kind even when we are tired, frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed - kindness in all weather.... and kindness to ourselves and our loved ones but also most importantly - kindness to those who are not like us, who push us out of our comfort zone, who disagree with us.... in all settings.... 

“As for…the fear that compassion will involve you in suffering, counter it with the realization that the sharing of sorrow expands your capacity to share joy as well. When you callously ignore the suffering of others, you lose the capacity to share their happiness, too.”—Albert Schweitzer

I can remember my mom telling me that if I couldn't say something kind then maybe I shouldn't say anything at all - it is one of the many snip-its that she passed on to me that still resonates in my head as I move through life - and while I don't always achieve it.... I do strive... and yes if you have seen me get quiet, sometimes it's because I'm working on following this mantra :)  I remind myself that I do know what others are struggling with or working through at any given time - so meeting frustration and anger with a similar response does nothing to help any of us, rather if I can step back, breathe and greet those negative emotions with gentleness and kindness and compassion then we have a chance to climb over the wall together or at least minimize the damage and pain to each other.  This can be particularly challenging when we feel attacked, shamed, or wounded by another person - or when we feel anger and frustration at others behaviors or opinions.  Too often in our technology focused world - it's easy to let ourselves slip into those places of negative anger responses - throwing words and reactions at people that are meant to incite and challenge rather than build connection and support.  It's so easy to share those 'silly memes' that actually shame someone, or pit one group against another, or belittle a group.... rather than thinking and holding back on those inflammatory type simple shares and thinking more about how to share warmth (or as mom said - just say nothing).

“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.” —Maya Angelou

But kindness to everyone, kindness in general - to those who disagree with you, to those who have hurt you, to those you disagree with, to yourself and our world..... It is a simple and yet very deep, challenging practice - but it is the only thing that can make a difference in our world. We need to stop sharing the memes that pit one against the other, that pit parents against teachers, that shame each other, and that seek to shame or wound.... Instead we focus on supporting and showcasing those moments of support and engagement, of kindness and healing, of why kindness to others matters, and of how we can spread more support, caring, and kindness.  Kindness is the one thing we can all do to heal wounds, to protect and care for each other, and to have impacts internally, locally, and globally....

To be kind to others, we must first be gentle and kind to ourselves - sometimes I think this is the hardest thing to do!  We must first be gentle and kind to ourselves - when we struggle, fall, face-plant, and stumble - taking care of ourselves, encouraging and supportive as well as understanding so that we can continue to rise again and continue moving forward.  Only when we are kind to ourselves can we be truly kind and gentle with others.  

“Kindness eases change.

Love quiets fear. 

And a sweet and powerful 

Positive obsession 

Blunts pain, 

Diverts rage, 

And engages each of us 

In the greatest, 

The most intense 

Of our chosen struggles.” 

― Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents

Value of simplicity

There is a picture that used to hang on an exterior wall of a building in Savannah.  I have loved that painting and the quote since the first time I saw it.  It resonated with my soul and with the journey that I have been on for the past several years.  A friend of mine saw it recently and commented - "that is it exactly".... We (society) make things too complicated; we forget to see the trees for the forest, we become overly focused on the details and miss the simple key ideas that bring us back home.

Over the past eight or nine years in particular, I have been working my way back to a life of simplicity and depth - where my days are composed more of tending my yard and garden, playing with the dogs and kids, slowing down and hiking as much as I can, reading wonderful literature and thought provoking texts, futzing in the kitchen over canning and comfort meals, and working through my consulting work to help my handful of amazing deep clients who are working to make a change in the world regarding health and equity.  

“There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth.” ― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

One of the greatest compliments I have ever received was when a friend's son commented that he enjoyed being at my house because 'Ms Va only has one rule - don't be mean to animals.... well and don't be mean to people.... so I guess just be nice'....She and I laughed that my home is the one that most of the kids (and their parents know) is the 'hippy house' - art happens, food is simple and not custom ordered ;) and yeah the general rule is to just be gentle and kind - to ourselves, to each other, to our earth, to animals.... Life is simple, but so deep and rich when we allow ourselves to slow down and really savor that simplicity....

I'm no longer focused on rushing to make sure I'm at every cool event, or that my house is a show place, shoot I'm not even trying to create a show place garden or yard, I'm not in and out of stores to entertain myself or buy more things for my home, I'm worrying less about the image I leave and more about touching lives and living my fullest life.  I'm tuning out of news and TV and into the stories and environments around me that I can touch....

This is the most revolutionary thing a woman can do: the next precise thing, one thing at a time, without asking permission or offering explanation. ~ Glennon Doyle, Untamed

I've known rivers: I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the flow of human blood in human veins. My soul has grown deep like the rivers. ~ Langston Hughes

I'm working to stay in the deep part of the river - where the water is both warm and cold in turns, the current is strong but often slow and steady, where there is a richness of experience - instead of in the shallows where the water may be warm and the rocks visible but where we can miss the depth of experience because we are so focused on the complications of navigation.  Some of us stay only in the warmth of the upper level and the shallows, others stay in the cold dark depths - and the richest life is found in the depth of both - being able to swim and navigate and feel the fullness of all.  I am turning my attention to my own heart and spirit and to savoring my connections and each experience....

Recently I was listening to Untamed and one of the concepts really struck me - the idea of continually checking in with ourselves - to ensure that each decision we make (from as significant as relationships/connections to as everyday as what to do for dinner) is made in alignment with our spirit and our heart - that it is true to ourselves.  Much like maintaining our axis in tango - it really is that simple.  A simple check in of "is this true to me?  what is the most right and truest decision for my journey?".... Staying true to ourselves let's us truly savor those connections and experiences and to be the richest, fullest versions of ourselves for those around us.... 

There is no one way to live, love, raise children, arrange a family, run a school, a community, a nation. The norms were created by somebody, and each of us is somebody. We can make our own normal. – Glennon Doyle, Untamed

So much of the heavy topics that are facing us today really are pretty simple at their core - for me and my home it does come down to - be gentle and compassionate (aka not mean, kind :) ).... It's not the noise about what political party you identify or don't identify with, or what organizations you identify or don't identify with - it's about how you walk through this earth and how you embrace yourself, others walking the world with you, and mother earth....

At the end of the day it's simply about Black lives matter, they matter and deserve respect and honor and value; people need love and patience and compassion regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation (or any other characteristics); mother earth deserves respect, love and care; children deserve to be loved and protected and educated; everyone deserves nurturing and support for mental and physical health; access to healthy food should be a given and not something special.  It isn't about whether you support a particular movement, politician, or espouse the exact same ideals of how to achieve these things - These are deep core principles, they are simple.... They get muddied when society wants to introduce all the complicated shallow components - the nuances of terms and language.  Society seeks to use the shallow complexities to divide and separate and move us away from these simple deep principles.  

“Escape from complicated life! Take refuge in simple life! You will find three treasures there: Healthy body, peaceful mind and a life away from ambitious fools!”

― Mehmet Murat ildan

It takes great depth to love and support one another - but it is a simple thing - maybe the simplest - but it also creates great depth and strength among all of us.

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and

Delight. When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we will not be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

Edgar Meyer

We are gifts.... We are enough....

I am me.... and that alone is my gift, my power, my journey, and my blessing...

“When you're different, sometimes you don't see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn't.”

― Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

So often we forget to listen and to appreciate all that we are.... We get caught up in what society tells us we should be, how we should be.... I have found myself too often documenting what society says are my flaws and trying to dim or change them -

I will be too curvy, too messy, too loud, too quiet, too spontaneous, to hippie, too sexual, too unorthodox, too free, too loving, too emotional, too strong, too independent, not independent enough, too soft, too tender, too gentle, too open, too forgiving, too clutzy, too fat, too accident prone, too wild.... 

but all of that is mine to be... that is the way I am shaped and the gifts that have been given me, that is the unique dynamic that is mine alone.  I do not need to try to shape-shift to fit what society is trying to tell me to be....

and if I'm not deeply and truly and completely me then who am I?
Who am I to try to fit my round self into a too small square?

what beauty and freedom and gifts am I denying myself and those who truly see and love me if I do not fully embrace and live out who I am... We need to embrace our gifts, which often come from the very parts of ourselves that we think of as weaknesses or limitations or flaws (My emotionality is what gives me the strength to hold space for my loved ones in their times of storms).  Our limitations often allow us to have greater appreciation of our achievements (I may be curvy or fat but I can do a half marathon and hike for days)

what words and actions do I hide because I'm afraid that I and they will be too much for someone?  What does that cost in lost diversity and beauty in the world... When I dim my own flame - what am I shutting out for myself and for others?  When I assume that my rawness and being are too much - what am I costing myself? What am I hiding that someone else or myself may need in that moment?  When I think my hikes and meditations are too tender - what am I costing myself?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

― C.G. Jung

There have been moments (actually significant chunks of time) when I have questioned whether I am really worthy to host hikes and meditations, to lead an evaluation company, or to host tango events.... I mean come on - I'm a country chick from Appalachia who is overly curvy (even at my slimmest) and clutzy and who is just now coming into her own with reading and studying deeper meditative works....

And yet - there are the moments when I slow down enough to listen to the universe and my own spirit and I find that: (1) I come out of my hikes and meditations more peaceful; (2) I connect with someone in a very powerful way at one of my hikes; (3) I slow down to realize that despite all my clutzy nature - I have friends and loved ones around the globe from my tango journey; (4) my heart is full from tango embraces even when I trip over my own feet but my partner laughs and hugs me tighter; (5) my client receives an award or grant because of work they are doing that they can show because of my work....And even more importantly - in all these areas I have met colleagues who add SOOOOO much to my own life and to the mosaic of each of the these areas because of our different voices/spirits/selves.....Recently, I led my monthly hike and meditation again - but on my own.... and the time in the woods reminded me of how important my own voice and life and experience was.....

“To realize one’s personal legend is one’s only true obligation.” – Paulo Coelho

Imagine a wildflower field with only one type of flower (sunflower fields are all the rage).... they are beautiful.... But the beauty of a field that is a riot of color from different flowers?  The beauty of a forest full of different trees?  The strength of an ecosystem that is made up of all different voices and creatures?  That is a thing of breathtaking beauty - And that is why each of us is a gift!!  Just as we are!!

Who are you?  What things do you discount about yourself and hide for fear of expectations? 

What are you denying yourself and others by hiding that unique flame and blossom?  

How can we each step more fully into ourselves so that we fully experience and gift ourselves all of those parts and experiences?  

How can we more fully appreciate each other in our fullness instead of contributing to the societal expectations and trying to fit our loved ones into boxes? 

“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”

― James Baldwin, Collected Essays: Notes of a Native Son / Nobody Knows My Name / The Fire Next Time / No Name in the Street / The Devil Finds Work / Other Essays

A year ago today - I lost one of my dearest friends.... I wish I had been able to say all of this to him... That he could have fully understood how valuable his voice was to us all and how grateful I am to have had his presence when he was here and his voice now helping keep me moving along my journey.... And how his voice helps me continue to find my way outside of the societal expectations and back to fully embracing who I am.... I wish he could have done the same and hope that where he is now he is able to finally be at peace with all of who he is....

Deep Roots and Crutches.... which tools to use....

There is a difference between the tools that we use that act as crutches - that keep us from falling too frequently or that serve to help us regain our balance quickly.... These are often things that we turn to first - we may even slip into a pattern of believing that they are what ground us.... But really they are just simple tools (much like crutches) that help us continue on our journey -

"she'd been fighting herself so long now, the idea of trusting herself seemed foreign. and yet....if she could trust...if she could just trust herself ~ she just might discover the best friend she's ever known" - Terri St. Cloud, Honor Yourself

What keeps us from falling over completely - are our roots - the things we do that fully and truly and deeply ground us.  These deep root tools are the ones that really 'take us to ground' and give us our true stability.  They are what allow us to truly continue our journey and grow to our strongest and most authentic selves....

 "i will accept the falls. embrace my scars. live my passion. i will not run." - Terri St. Cloud, Honor Yourself

 If we only utilize and focus on our daily tools - our crutches - then we run the risk of still falling over when things get really hard....

We must feed our deep roots - we must utilize those tools - regularly (not daily, but regularly) so that we maintain our strong deep grounding roots.  It is our roots that allow us to fall and get back up and continue growing.  It is our roots that allow us to integrate those falls and blemishes to create a richer deeper self instead of letting them crush us....

“The world will give you that once in awhile, a brief timeout; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life.”

― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

It has taken this current pandemic environment for me to be able to recognize the difference between the two - to recognize the tools that I use as crutches and that keep me moving but don't really build my roots and those that actually strengthen me and ground me deeply.  I have had to transition to focusing more on the grounding tools than on the tools that are crutches.

“You create a path of your own by looking within yourself and listening to your soul, cultivating your own ways of experiencing the sacred and then practicing it. Practicing until you make it a song that sings you.”

― Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

My crutches include - going out socially with friends, dancing, undertaking new projects and learning new skills, going to workshops, and those sorts of activities.  These are all things that I love doing and that do help me stabilize and are reinvigorating for me.  They are important things for me to be doing on a regular basis when I can...  However, they don't always help build my roots, the true deep grounding that I need.   They are typically external things - and are not something that is completely in my control to feed and engage with, they do not build my own deep grounded roots.



My deep root activities are much more cerebral and internal - reliant on myself and creating internal connection.  They include - extensive reading, meditation, physical activity, time in nature, writing/journaling, creatively producing (art, cooking, etc).  These are the things that ground me and feed my deep roots.  They are the things that I need to focus on so that I maintain a strong base and foundation to be able to weather any storm that comes.

“it was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.”

― Rupi Kaur

What are some of your tools?  Which ones are your crutches and which are your deep root tools?  How do you find balance in using and engaging with each of them?  Where do you need to spend more time and invest in creating or identifying new tools?  How often are you using each?

“There is no place so awake and alive as the edge of becoming. But more than that, birthing the kind of woman who can authentically say, 'My soul is my own,' and then embody it in her life, her spirituality, and her community is worth the risk and hardship.”

― Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

Empathy, Compassion, and Growth.... Oh My!

So apparently I wasn't done with my rambling and processing of compassion, empathy, growth, and healing :)

Compassionate action involves working with ourselves as much as working with others.  Pema Chodron

What is real self-compassion?  This is something that has been asked to me since my last post - is it just an acceptance of yourself and embracing of yourself or is it something more?  Is it compassion if you only celebrate and see your own importance and value and don't admit any weakness or flaws?  For me, I think that the ability see your value is important, however, self-compassion involves being able to see, feel, and acknowledge your own weaknesses and flaws.  It means taking the time to really dig deep within ourselves to get uncomfortable and allow ourselves to explore and heal and accept those tender areas, those areas of weakness or wounds, those areas that are not perfect and to work on healing them and accepting them with a recognition of their existence and how that informs and influences our interactions with others.

The wretched have no compassion, they can do good only from strong principles of duty.

 Samuel Johnson

Are you truly practicing self compassion and gentleness if you do not see, acknowledge, and embrace your tender areas and your flaws?  Our flaws and tender areas are a key part of us - they are what give us the opportunity for growth and the gentleness to be able to reach out and hear and care for each other.... It is from these places that we can allow empathy to grow and flow from; It is only by recognizing our own tender areas and weaknesses that we can also see and support others from their own perspective.  Recognition of flaws, wounds, weaknesses and tender areas is key to truly being able to offer compassion to ourselves and then to others.

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

If you only see your value and it limits your ability to see others value and perspective; if we are so absorbed in our own value and privilege then we can become defensive and divisive when we perceive things to threaten that or to change the 'status quo' rather than being open and willing to see our own limitations and need for change.  It is only when we have true compassion and understanding of ourselves that we can open ourselves up so that we can truly see and hear our neighbors and loved ones and begin to move in a more caring, empathetic, and healing way - in a way that promotes growth instead of stagnation.  

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” - Pema Chödrön

Each day I see battles waged on social media with people defending how they do not want to wear a mask, they don't want to social distance, they are 'offended' because statues have been moved or because images that were used for logos have been changed and removed.... All of the comments focus on how things are 'being ruined' because they are being changed; rather than focusing on trying to understand how something may be painful or hurtful to a neighbor or friend and understanding that why so that we can move forward together.... Where is our compassion for each other?  Our empathy for each other?  If we can do something that reduces another's anxiety/stress/pain/discomfort and it doesn't hurt ourselves - why shouldn't we do that?  Why should our comfort and the status quo be more important than our neighbors?  These things may seem simple or benign but they way they are discussed and the way I see people talking to each other and more importantly ABOUT each other - shows a lack of compassion and consideration and a lack of opportunity for growth.  

"Compassion is not just feeling with someone, but seeking to change the situation. Frequently people think compassion and love are merely sentimental. No! They are very demanding. If you are going to be compassionate, be prepared for action!"

Desmond Tutu

How can you be gentle and compassionate with others and their tender areas if you do not also see your own?  If you only celebrate your perceived strength, value, and quality without also recognizing and sitting with your flaws and weaknesses then how can we ever grow as a community and as individuals?  It is only through recognizing and honoring those parts inside of us and the same inside of our neighbors that we can really start to move forward together and heal and grow.  And the world is showing us in so many ways right now that healing and growth is needed - we must stop killing and poisoning each other.... When we continually lash out at each other that our way is the right way, we must be right, we must maintain the status quo, and we can't listen to each other - when we respond from a divisive and protective place instead of an open, loving, compassionate place (to ourselves and others) then we continue to pour out selfishness and pain rather than healing and building ourselves and each other.  As so poignantly pointed out in "The Hate U Give" - 

“Pac said Thug Life stood for 'The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody'.”― Angie Thomas, The Hate U Give

Where is the intersection of empathy with compassion and self-awareness and gentleness?  In a world where we see a growing lack of empathy for each other - how can we use true compassion for self and other to help heal and encourage each other?  Only through finding true compassion for self, can we actually develop empathy for others and find ways to hear and support each other.  That involves being able to truly recognize and work on our own wounds so that we can hear and respond compassionately to others.  

Compassion and nonviolence help us to see the enemy's point of view, to hear their questions, to know their assessment of ourselves. For from their point of view we may indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers and sisters who are called the opposition. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Is your own bloom more important than the other flowers around you?  How can you help to encourage and embrace and enrich the rest of the garden if you only are concerned with maximizing your own recognition and sitting in comfort?  It is fascinating to watch flowers, fruits, and vegetables growing in the garden - how there are some that creatively and beautifully grow together, where being planted together provides for richer and more flavorable produce and blooms.  Watching blackberries and honeysuckle grow intertwined with each other are examples of how empathy and compassion can work together - these two vines manage to grow together sharing beauty and blossoms - creating a richer environment together.  Fig trees and wasps; cross pollination between different types of blueberries; beds of wildflowers that create a riot of color and beauty as well as food for bees.... How much richer is the environment when we provide space for all to flourish instead of only one.

"what is wrong with nationalism is not the desire to be master in your own house, but the conviction that only people like you deserve to be in the house"  Toni Morrison

Is comfort and a sense of self importance and extreme self-worth more important than a comprehensive understanding of who we are (flaws, tender areas, weaknesses and all) and our areas of discomfort?  How does that extreme limit our ability to grow and to expand on those areas that are tender?  How does this perspective and emphasis on comfort limit our abilities to connect to others outside of us and support them in their own growth?  How does it limit our ability to engage, connect, and enrich each other by learning from each other and using that to further our own growth as well as supporting our loved ones growth?  How much does that perspective of 'achievement' and 'arrival' to a place of compassion/gentleness and self worth limit our abilities to heal our neighborhoods and communities when they are in a place of pain or discomfort?

But if we have the energy of compassion and loving kindness in us, the people around us will be influenced by our way of being and living. Thich Nhat Hanh

Compassion.... a balm for wounds and a growth agent....

Over the past few months I find myself coming back over and over again to the concept of compassion and the need for understanding, patience, and gentleness with myself and with my friends, loves, and neighbors.... This period of time seems to be a time for us to really recenter and reconnect and heal ourselves.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

― Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

I have found myself being my own harshest critic during this time of pause and reflection.  It took a very important person pointing out to me that I was harsher on myself than with anyone else and that I 'mushed' on others without also giving myself that same voice.  With the forced semi-isolation of the pandemic and the slower pace,  I find that I am forced to 'face the snake' and to really sit with myself and find ways to begin a focused practice of gentleness and self compassion.  I found myself revisiting the idea of 'would you talk to someone you loved that way?' when I would fall into cycles of negative self-talk.

For me, the greatest healing can only occur when I find that well of compassion and nurturing for myself, my inner child, my inner teenager (ugh, she's mean and petulant, but tender), and my inner crone.  Only through continual renewal and practice of personal compassion, am I able to be calm and quiet and heal wounds so that I can grow and stretch and expand.

“I can’t change where I come from or what I’ve been through, so why should I be ashamed of what makes me, me?” ― Angie Thomas, The Hate U Give

Being gentle and compassionate with ourselves means being patient and forgiving when we falter; forgiving ourselves when we fall in the mud, when we are messy, when we think we fail; focusing on being gentle with ourselves in our self talk and care instead of harsh and critical.  It means focusing on loving ourselves with a recognition of and appreciation for our imperfections.  Compassion and gentleness also means focusing on giving ourselves time and space to grow and heal as we need to - recognizing it does not have to happen on a set time frame or in a set pattern - it is a journey and can involve ups and downs and even revisiting areas we though healed.  It means giving ourselves permission and safety to continue growing and journeying in our own pace.

Without finding and practicing compassion for myself, I can't in turn truly freely offer it to others and provide the gentle, safe, healing space for them.  Without being able to listen and offer this type of gentleness and compassion to each other, how will we truly be able to move forward.... We have to be the change we want to see....

“True compassion does not come from wanting to help out those less fortunate than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings.”

― Pema Chodron, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

So often over recent months, I find myself saddened to see how we are treating each other.  I hope that this time of pause gives us a moment to still ourselves and focus on self-compassion so that we can in turn be more patient and gentle with each other.  When we value each other and can listen to each other, there is so much we can learn and grow from.  With the pandemic and the increasing recognition of and efforts to address systemic racism in our country, I have heard so many harsh words towards people - a lack of listening to each other and finding places of empathy and support from which to move forward from.  Those with privilege wanting to maintain their privilege and avoiding hearing their Black and Brown neighbors and loved ones; people refusing to wear masks and social distance because of their own personal comfort; and people being increasingly aggressive and short with each other over any political issues.  The pain and separation and stagnation that this causes is painful to watch.

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

― Mother Teresa

Imagine the growth and healing that can occur when we pause long enough to really listen to each other; to develop empathy and an understanding that we are each on our own journeys and someone may be at a difficult patch and need additional support; to be patient and kind simply because we do not know what our neighbors are struggling with.  We need to take the time and see our neighbors and loved ones, to really listen to their stories and experiences so that we can respond and care for them from a place of compassion and warmth - to begin true healing and growth.  Our choices are to insist on the status quo, to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to the pain and wounds our loved ones and neighbors have faced and are facing, and to insist on personal comfort over community caring - and we can watch our communities stagnate and continue wounding each other.  OR we can move forward and listen with compassion and gentleness and move forward to a place of growth and healing for everyone for the many major wounds and damage caused by racism and the major health risks from COVID - but also to provide a place and balm for healing and growth for all of the other wounds so many carry with them.

"Tolerance and compassion are qualities of fearless people"  Coelho

Is it so difficult to give up some personal comfort to help keep more people safe and healthy?  How can we find ways to listen to each other even on difficult topics?  What difference can it make in all

of our lives when we respond to each other with the assumption of gentleness and compassion instead of frustration?  How different might we respond with patience and gentleness to the neighbor who is struggling with major grief and is short tempered one day; or to cashier who was just attacked by the previous customer for something trivial; or to the customer service agent who is trying to help answer questions while also figuring out child care?  How much different will our lives be when we treat ourselves with patience and gentleness when we hit a tough section of the trail?  Instead of pushing our way through it, if we pause and rest and then move gently step by step, recognizing our need and right to rest and even to fall and skin our knees on occasion....

“Simplicity, patience, compassion.

These three are your greatest treasures.

Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.

Patient with both friends and enemies,

you accord with the way things are.

Compassionate toward yourself,

you reconcile all beings in the world.”

― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching