A little over a year ago, I found myself drawn to Argentine tango as I have mentioned in my previous blog. My attraction to this complex, beautiful dance and culture has only grown the more I have studied, explored and experienced. At the same time I have been thinking about how this rich experience, it's draw for me, and connection for me is interwoven and informed by my experiences and familial history.
Beatriz Dujovne in her book "In Strangers' Arms" (a beautiful read and exploration of tango and relationships regardless of whether you ever dance a step or not) discusses the complexity of the history of tango as well as the depth and complexity of the tango experience.
"The tango is, for me, a cocoon of sweetness, an instinctive innocence with a touch of mischief, a beauty, a might."
As I read through her book, through the discussion of the rich history of tango evolving from the variety of immigrant cultures/experiences/and music influencing its development, through the unique role of connection, playfulness, improvisation, and emotional expression that are defining features for this complex and beautiful experience, I begin to understand why this dance has drawn me in when no other has. It begins to become clear to me why this is the dance, culture, and feelings that are continually pulling me back to challenge myself, to understand myself, and to seek out this experience.
Tango represents a beautiful fusion of cultures and experiences - sought after by people who were seeking a home, to create a sense of familiarity and connection. I think it is this observation that I connected to first in the book and recognized an experience that draws together people who are seeking that type of home and connection and depth. My early life experiences led me to see and value a melding of cultures and experiences and to continually seek out that human connection.
My grandmother was always a traveler and seeker of experiences - I can remember her telling stories of high tea in England and Scotland when she traveled when I was a young child. I can also remember her exuberance when one winter when we were having a very thin Christmas, she was invited to go bear hunting with our family friend. My grandmother reveled in spending the day riding in an old pick-up truck around mountain roads, followed up by an evening of eggnog and teaching my 13 year old self to play poker. She sought out human connection whereever she found it - and took everyone at face value.
My dad approached life and relationships the same way - he adored human connection, banter, debate and had the most playful nature. He also drew people to him from all walks of life. And he wanted to learn. I get my ineptness but love of languages from him - he tried to learn Spanish for years, finally even traveling to Mexico for several months. However, apparently it never stuck. :)
One of the most gregarious and loving people I knew was my German Uncle (friend turned family) who never met a stranger - I was in high school when he 'adopted' a Russian circus that found itself stranded in Atlanta around one of the long holiday weekends. He traded them a weekend of hospitality in exchange for good conversation, some fun shows, and general community building. Because that's what he felt you did - when you could afford to (and even when you couldn't) - you took care of others and you built connections and relationships.
He was also the one who took me aside when I was about 16, 6 or so years after my dad had passed, and talked to me about how my parents had had a very passionate and intense relationship - it was one that reflected their deep passion for life and each other - but because of the passion it was volatile. They fought as hard as they loved. When I listen to the tango music and read tango lyrics - it's this same passion (for life, for people, for experiences - the pain and the pleasure part of passion) that I see reflected; it is passion that keeps people seeking this experience (not necessarily sexual but a passion for living and connecting).
I was a recent transplant to Applachia when my father died - leaving us feeling very adrift - and yet - again connection and relationships and sharing is what helped transition us through.
This history of experiences and seeking of home and connection, laid a fertile ground for tango to root in my spirit and to pull me toward greater connection and experience and an enrichment of life..... Life has not always been easy - but it is this fusion of the challenging, the grief, the joy, and the richness of life that adds to the beauty of life and of tango. I'm thankful for the experiences that made me who I am today and that my journey to find that sense of home and that connection has continued to guide me and has brought me to tango..... ahhh to see where the next tanda leads.... :)
Monday, June 18, 2018
Thursday, June 14, 2018
My dad....Thank you.....
I was and am a consummate daddy's girl - have been all my life :)
For the first year of my life my dad was terrified of me (to be fair apparently I also screamed like a banshee whenever my mom was out of sight) - he was scared he would drop or break me. However, by the time I could walk - we were inseparable. By the time I was two, I would stand at the front door waiting (sometimes crying) for him to come home. He was my hero, my rock, my idol, my teacher, my dad.
He taught me the value of experience over classroom. He taught me the power of loving and giving whenever humanly possible. The value of a simple conversation or no conversation at all while sharing time and space with a loved one. The challenges and freedom of being an entrepreneur - and the extreme satisfaction of building a business and reputation. It is ok to screw up and have to ask for forgiveness and demonstrate change. Take a risk. Try to take care of and give your loved ones and your community whatever you can. HAVE FUN. LAUGH. Don't be afraid to fail or to fly. Go top shelf/first class when you can - you won't regret it. The sheer enjoyment of good debate and discussion just for the sake of the banter. Always be you. That good dad's take so many shapes and are worth their weight in gold - they aren't mom's, they do things differently, but they are just as capable and loving.
He never called me princess - but there was also almost nothing I was denied. And that I could be ANYTHING I decided to be.
"Daddy, I know it's late but will you take me to Sara's so we can have a sleepover and watch the Muppets" - Yes it's an hour a way and already 7pm. He took me.
Driving an hour home to pick us all up and take us to dinner 45 minutes in the other direction just because I asked. Yep - he did that.
Annual trips to explore DC - just he and my brother and I - while mom was able to indulge her in her dog show activities nearby.
Getting up at 5:30am to take me to swim class an hour away because it was my one passion. Then breakfast out afterwards, just the two of us.
Rum and Coke and Dinkleacker beer (mainly because of the name).
Sitting on the foot of my bed trying to explain this horrible new epidemic that was sweeping the country and just beginning to try to be understood in the early 80s.
Sitting on a riverbank or pond bank, trout fishing.
The value of a closet full of suits when you are color blind and fashion senseless.... :)
Taking me out of school to go watch the final installation of a dome stadium nearby and a tour of a dam that was being built nearby (an internal tour of dam under construction is pretty amazing and sticks with me to this day).
Watching him cook fried green tomatoes :)
Walking the property line and after arguing about something, laughing as he said I should be an attorney when I grew up because I could argue about anything and usually win and leave the other person wondering what happened. He taught me the value and the power of words (so try to keep them kind).
The joy of giving someone a gift that is perfect for them - suited to them - something that just made you think about that person. For those of you who have gotten these kind of random gifts from me - you can blame him.
Rafting, tubing, and canoeing down the river with his best friend and kids. Getting out of the boat to swim alongside. Being on the water with him.
Bear hugs
Trying to learn to remove fat and cholestrol from his diet to improve his health - substituting slices of tomato for sausage on his morning biscuit; apple cider instead of milk on cheerios.
Playing hours and hours of Ms. PacMan (NOT PacMan) on the arcade machine at the 7-11 across from his office. I used to dream for years after his death that I would walk into that 7-11 and see him and he would turn and go "what took you all so long, I've been waiting."
Crystal Gayle, Cheech & Chong, Richard Pryor, Clint Eastwood - Dad picking me up when I was sick at school and taking me home for a Sprite to settle my stomach and letting me curl up and watch Superman, Any Which Way You Can and then Dirty Harry (yeah I know, not always the best decisions - also the start of my Clint obsession)
Riding with mom to pick him up from the office Christmas party he hosted for his staff because he knew he couldn't drive - the importance of being responsible.
To love intensely.
Then on December 20, 1985 - mom had just gotten home from visiting him at the hospital and told us kids he was doing better and we could all go see him the next day. And then the phone rang - it was the hospital - he was gone, another massive heart attack shortly after she had left to drive home. And like that life changed -
My dad wasn't perfect - oh he was the perfect dad for me but he wasn't a perfect human. He and mom loved and fought intensely. He often put work over family time in an effort to provide everything he could for those he loved. And he left our little family so far in debt that it still ripples through our adult families now and mom never fully swam out of. And he left.
There are days I still get angry that he left - that I get angry that he worked himself to death - that he isn't here to laugh at how much like him Natalie is or to enjoy swim class with Emily. But at the same time, I would never trade the time I did have with him or the lessons I learned before he died and because of his death. I am who I am because life unfolded the way it did - and I learned as much resilience because of the path life took after he passed. And I was able to have several surrogate fathers (only a few ever measured up) who provided new lessons along the way.
And I was left with a strong appreciation of the importance of fathers. Fathers are SOOOO important - to all children - but for me, particularly for daughters. I am now a strong advocate for fathers. I try to make sure to tell the dads I know how amazing I think they are and how much their daughters and sons need them - even when we go through our adolescent/young adult phase and test the heck out of that love and try to prove we don't need them. Even now, there are times I go sit by a riverbank so that I can talk to dad to get his take on an issue or to feel his spirit. It's why I have fried green tomatoes and a biscuit with a slice of tomato on my birthday. It's why rainbow trout is one of my favorite foods. It's why I still grin when I see Ms PacMan. And why I will always drop random gifts for people I care about.....
So on this Father's day weekend -
For the first year of my life my dad was terrified of me (to be fair apparently I also screamed like a banshee whenever my mom was out of sight) - he was scared he would drop or break me. However, by the time I could walk - we were inseparable. By the time I was two, I would stand at the front door waiting (sometimes crying) for him to come home. He was my hero, my rock, my idol, my teacher, my dad.
He taught me the value of experience over classroom. He taught me the power of loving and giving whenever humanly possible. The value of a simple conversation or no conversation at all while sharing time and space with a loved one. The challenges and freedom of being an entrepreneur - and the extreme satisfaction of building a business and reputation. It is ok to screw up and have to ask for forgiveness and demonstrate change. Take a risk. Try to take care of and give your loved ones and your community whatever you can. HAVE FUN. LAUGH. Don't be afraid to fail or to fly. Go top shelf/first class when you can - you won't regret it. The sheer enjoyment of good debate and discussion just for the sake of the banter. Always be you. That good dad's take so many shapes and are worth their weight in gold - they aren't mom's, they do things differently, but they are just as capable and loving.
He never called me princess - but there was also almost nothing I was denied. And that I could be ANYTHING I decided to be.
"Daddy, I know it's late but will you take me to Sara's so we can have a sleepover and watch the Muppets" - Yes it's an hour a way and already 7pm. He took me.
Driving an hour home to pick us all up and take us to dinner 45 minutes in the other direction just because I asked. Yep - he did that.
Annual trips to explore DC - just he and my brother and I - while mom was able to indulge her in her dog show activities nearby.
Getting up at 5:30am to take me to swim class an hour away because it was my one passion. Then breakfast out afterwards, just the two of us.
Rum and Coke and Dinkleacker beer (mainly because of the name).
Sitting on the foot of my bed trying to explain this horrible new epidemic that was sweeping the country and just beginning to try to be understood in the early 80s.
Sitting on a riverbank or pond bank, trout fishing.
The value of a closet full of suits when you are color blind and fashion senseless.... :)
Taking me out of school to go watch the final installation of a dome stadium nearby and a tour of a dam that was being built nearby (an internal tour of dam under construction is pretty amazing and sticks with me to this day).
Watching him cook fried green tomatoes :)
Walking the property line and after arguing about something, laughing as he said I should be an attorney when I grew up because I could argue about anything and usually win and leave the other person wondering what happened. He taught me the value and the power of words (so try to keep them kind).
The joy of giving someone a gift that is perfect for them - suited to them - something that just made you think about that person. For those of you who have gotten these kind of random gifts from me - you can blame him.
Rafting, tubing, and canoeing down the river with his best friend and kids. Getting out of the boat to swim alongside. Being on the water with him.Bear hugs
Trying to learn to remove fat and cholestrol from his diet to improve his health - substituting slices of tomato for sausage on his morning biscuit; apple cider instead of milk on cheerios.
Playing hours and hours of Ms. PacMan (NOT PacMan) on the arcade machine at the 7-11 across from his office. I used to dream for years after his death that I would walk into that 7-11 and see him and he would turn and go "what took you all so long, I've been waiting."
Crystal Gayle, Cheech & Chong, Richard Pryor, Clint Eastwood - Dad picking me up when I was sick at school and taking me home for a Sprite to settle my stomach and letting me curl up and watch Superman, Any Which Way You Can and then Dirty Harry (yeah I know, not always the best decisions - also the start of my Clint obsession)
Riding with mom to pick him up from the office Christmas party he hosted for his staff because he knew he couldn't drive - the importance of being responsible.
To love intensely.
Then on December 20, 1985 - mom had just gotten home from visiting him at the hospital and told us kids he was doing better and we could all go see him the next day. And then the phone rang - it was the hospital - he was gone, another massive heart attack shortly after she had left to drive home. And like that life changed -
My dad wasn't perfect - oh he was the perfect dad for me but he wasn't a perfect human. He and mom loved and fought intensely. He often put work over family time in an effort to provide everything he could for those he loved. And he left our little family so far in debt that it still ripples through our adult families now and mom never fully swam out of. And he left.
There are days I still get angry that he left - that I get angry that he worked himself to death - that he isn't here to laugh at how much like him Natalie is or to enjoy swim class with Emily. But at the same time, I would never trade the time I did have with him or the lessons I learned before he died and because of his death. I am who I am because life unfolded the way it did - and I learned as much resilience because of the path life took after he passed. And I was able to have several surrogate fathers (only a few ever measured up) who provided new lessons along the way.
And I was left with a strong appreciation of the importance of fathers. Fathers are SOOOO important - to all children - but for me, particularly for daughters. I am now a strong advocate for fathers. I try to make sure to tell the dads I know how amazing I think they are and how much their daughters and sons need them - even when we go through our adolescent/young adult phase and test the heck out of that love and try to prove we don't need them. Even now, there are times I go sit by a riverbank so that I can talk to dad to get his take on an issue or to feel his spirit. It's why I have fried green tomatoes and a biscuit with a slice of tomato on my birthday. It's why rainbow trout is one of my favorite foods. It's why I still grin when I see Ms PacMan. And why I will always drop random gifts for people I care about.....
So on this Father's day weekend -
- If you are a dad (step, bio, adoptive, grand, etc) - sending you lots of love and appreciation! Know your kids feel it even when they aren't showing it. You all are amazing! Thank you!!!
- If you are a father figure in someones life (an important uncle, a family friend, etc) Thank you!!!
- If your dad is still here (and you have a healthy relationship) - Call him, email him, or go see him. Give him a hug for those of us who can't physically touch or hear ours. Remember the good strong points and forgive the challenges.
- If your dad has passed - find time and space to sit and remember, appreciate, and talk....
- If you have a dad like person in your life - give them some love too! :)
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Tell me I can't.... then watch me.....
So I've always been a bit hard headed to say the least. The best way to ensure that I try something is to tell me it is not safe, impossible, a bad idea, or not something I can do - particularly not something I can do alone. :) My mother learned long ago that it was better to let me find my own way than to tell me outright that I could or could not do something. After one particularly difficult break-up, she admitted she had never liked the guy and was concerned (because we were engaged for several years) but she knew better than to tell me that or it would have ensured I made it work no matter what the cost to myself.
I'm a girl from the sticks of Appalachia - raised by a mom who didn't finish college and who was left in significant poverty when her husband died young. According to the stats (and my high school guidance counselor) I shouldn't be where I am now - with a PhD from one of the premier schools in my field and successfully running my own business supporting communities all over the my home state. Over the years I have heard 'it's too risky to start your own business' 'don't you need to make sure you have insurance' 'are you sure this is the right move?' "you travel all that way on your own' 'you aren't going camping alone are you, aren't you scared' 'what if something happens'- all of these led me to trails that have brought me where I am now.... :)
Recently I knew I needed some outside time in the woods alone. I told a few friends that I was going hiking alone and I was warned that the trail I wanted to do was a bad idea - it would be slick, muddy, and I've never hiked this trail without spraining my ankle. So of course, it's the trail I pick. The day was rainy, the trail turned into a creek at several points, it was slick, and it was also beautiful. The time alone in the woods let me feel and smell and experience all of mother nature and father time washing away the stress and negativity of the world and reminded me of who I am - I entered the woods feeling heavy, dark, lost, and struggling....
I emerged reminded of who I am and grounded.... I am strong, gentle, brave, very loving, open, giving, determined, independent, consistent, fierce, wild, silly, scared, messy, soft, empathetic, story-teller, and wanderer....
I listened to the woods and my spirit and my ancestors and the voices of my tribe here (even when they aren't with me, I was reminded that their spirits lift and carry mine).... I walked in silence so I could hear and feel these things and remember that they are with me and in me to rely on....
I know where I want to go and the type of life I want to build.... This is my creative life - my tango - wild natural freedoms, work to care for children and families, tango, connection, creativity, and comfort.... Things do happen and we aren't always safe - but there are also no guarantees in life - it is meant to be lived out loud and fully! And to do that I don't think I can walk away from the things that feel right - even if someone (even my inner meanie) says I can't.... there is nothing to be lost from trying and SOOOO much to be gained!
Because I was told I couldn't - and yet also had people who quietly whispered just try - I did and am doing.... I have dreams yet unfilled and goals yet unattained. So when my inner evil voice tells me I can't - I quietly whisper back to her 'watch me'.... watch me:
- Fix that dryer by myself
- Really learn and develop my tango
- Install that storm door
- Grow this business
- Travel anywhere my heart desires (Italy, Argentina, New Zealand, Scotland, where else can I go.... )
- Finally learn spanish
- Build this new unusual authentic life
- Create the Hacienda
The Shel Silverstein poem "Listen to the Musnt's Child" speaks so directly to my spirit in this way. And the rebel in me, listens and then charges on! And it thrills (and terrifies) my soul that my oldest daughter has fallen in love with this poem as well. It's the first one she ever memorized and she frequently asks for it before bed. Anything is possible - Anything can be!
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