I am....

This most recent adventure has been a really amazing journey and opportunity to re-ground myself and understanding who I am.... I recently spent some time just sitting, thinking, and writing - contemplating who I am and who I want to be.... How do I want to be seen. After spending about an hour writing all of the words that came to mind when I thought about who I am and want to be - I felt very content, it's not all pretty and easy and nice - there is complexity and negatives included - but I felt grounded and centered and peaceful. I like this activity because it forces me to quiet myself and think deeply about who I am and how I want to be, and want to be seen. I also love visualizing it in multiple ways - as a reminder to accept those darker pieces, build compassion for myself, and to enjoy and celebrate all of the parts.

What words come to mind when thinking about yourself? How do you see yourself and want others to see you? What would your word portrait look like?

New Adventures and Challenges - part 1

This year I have taken on some new adventures and challenges in ways that truly stretched me, excited, and terrified me.... I want to share a little bit about some of those.... It is about my journey, an opportunity to spread my wings and continue the growth and exploration....

In July, I took my first solo international flight to a country where I only speak a small amount of the language (hablo un poco de espanol y no bien pero estudiando).  :) I spent 10 days visiting a new city and country with the entire focus being on absorbing the rich, beautiful culture and continuing my journey with Argentine tango.  This journey includes not a small amount of work on my own personal growth and development as well as the physical steps and fundamentals of the dance itself. 

As a whole this year has been about learning to dive deeper into myself, my journey, and my experiences and to stretch myself to reach beyond what I expect to what I can do and want to do... to build strength and understanding and spreading my own wings.  My tango journey is a significant part of that as it represents so much of the whole.... This year I've challenged myself to attend workshops, meet new people. be vulnerable in learning something new that is challenging, and to feel all of the growth and opportunities and experiences....

Ok back to July :)

My trip to Buenos Aires was one of the most amazing experiences (and I cannot wait to go back in a few months)... it stretched me and strengthened me in ways I had not even imagined.  As I was preparing to go, I had to stay in that feeling of being uncomfortable and to absorb all of it.  When I arrived and as I traveled around during the 10 days that I was there.... I had moments of complete discomfort and insecurity that I learned to keep moving through and suddenly I would realize just how at home and comfortable I felt.  By the time I left, I was not ready to come home and realized I had found a place that felt as comforting as any home I had ever been to.  During the 10 days I was there, I learned to continue to move through the discomfort, how to communicate even when I didn't have as much language capacity as I wanted or needed.  Writing, gestures, and genuine effort to speak what l could went a long way.  I didn't go hungry or thirsty, I met some amazing people, I visited some historic and beautiful sites, and in general soaked in the culture in a way I had not even realized would happen....

I often hear from other women that they are afraid to travel because 'what will happen if I can't speak the language', 'what if I get lost', 'what if....'  and my answer to them is to try - to take a note card with them when they go out with the address of their hotel/air bnb....but to go try - you will be amazed at how much you CAN do and CAN communicate and the power you feel when you realize you can do it and you are ok and more than ok .... and it's beautiful!!!

While I was in Buenos Aires - I took daily tango lessons with the best tango instructors :) who are amazing people and I'm incredibly thankful to count as friends now.... Through tango I pushed to learn how to move my body, to become more aware of how to move each part of my body separately and freely.... Kinesthetic knowledge is not my strong suit, but it is so good for me and such a beautiful experience to push myself to learn this, to connect with each part and muscle and to express through that and with the music....

During both my tango lessons and my wandering around the city (I would spend hours each day just wandering) - I would experience moments of self-consciousness, insecurity, and feeling awkward (particularly during the dance)... This is part of MY journey - and to feel and honor those feelings and to let them pass on so that I can relish and sink into the other feelings and connections.... To begin to learn how to do that and how to practice that on a regular basis.  Sometimes this was when I felt like I couldn't understand how to move my body, or could understand the concept but just could not seem to get my body to respond consistently the way I wanted, or when trying to translate in my head and respond quickly or reasonably to comments or questions when I was out wandering the city.... But it was definitely a significant moment of growth for me and is one that I have carried home - so be more open and to BE SEEN and owning my space - regardless of feelings of awkwardness and to be able to feel those without letting them control the moment....

It did lead to some interesting questions that I worked on while there and continue to regularly even now.... Do I want to be seen?  Can I be comfortable being seen?  Honestly - there are days this is still a struggle for me but I work on it and challenge myself to continue strengthening this in myself.  I do want to be seen, now my work is to be comfortable again in being seen without apology and without feeling a need to hide or minimize myself (physically or socially).  I look for ways to continue to challenge myself to be seen.... I have gotten back to dressing up and showing my femininity without feeling like it limits or weakens me or that I need apologize for it.... How to embrace myself without minimizing....

One of the best compliments I have received just recently (that reinforced how much progress I had made in this area) was that a colleague of mine loved how I showed my own unique style all the time without apology and in way that still fit the circumstances (she has seen me at business meetings, conferences, presentations, etc)- she described it as a little hippy, a little bohemian, a little flower child, and a little chic.... :)    For a few years I buried myself, this hippy/bohemian/wild child.... but she's coming back now and stronger....

More on the new adventures and challenges - and about the Buenos Aires trip - in future posts.... teasers include upcoming Lisbon, Portugal trip; more about the Argentina trip; starting yet another new business Roots & Wings....

Accepting the challenge

Last week my daughters climbed 178 stairs to the top of a lighthouse.  Because they could, because it didn't occur to them to say that they wouldn't try.  My youngest complained at some points about being anxious coming up or down and needing to go slowly, but she kept moving.  At no point did either one of them say that they couldn't do it because they were too young or it was too high.  I hope this is because they are watching and learning and seeing.

During the first week of this month (my birthday week), I participated in 2 different 10k races, a brutal 5 mile hike up a mountain with a 30lb ruck sack in preparation for a rucking event this September, and a gentle fun 6 hike up to some waterfalls.  I did all of this simply because I could - because I could ask my body to perform and it would.

I have always struggled with body image issues, from childhood on.  I've never been the most thin, or athletic - but I have always been active.  As I become firmly entrenched in middle age, I am finding more and more joy in being active and in finding ways to stretch and feel all parts of myself.  I don't look like a runner (or to most people even an avid hiker).  And when I am out there running or hiking, I don't think about what size I'm wearing or where I have too much cellulite - I'm simply thinking about how good it feels to move and to see and experience new things.  

I have also found that while there are some who are always surprised to find that someone who looks like me can and wants to do so much physically.  However, there are an equal number of people on the trail or at the race who are supportive and encouraging of each other regardless of athleticism or physical shape.  I find that I don't do these things to compete with other people - but rather to just feel what my body is physically capable of, while it is capable!

One of my dear friends who is currently organizing a rucking event (an all women event which I think is going to be awesome) and was laughing when she called me out publicly on Facebook inviting me to come up and participate that I responded with an almost immediate "Hell Yeah - I'll be there".... She then privately messaged me to ask if I knew what I was signing up for.  I assured that I knew generally what rucking was (I mean my baby brother was an army ranger - so yeah I have an idea) and that with all the backpacking and other things I did, I figured I would probably be ok.  Besides - it is another chance to try pushing my body, to feel all my muscles and endurance.... and to do so in one of the most beautiful parts of the southeast (the Appalachian mountains).  Will I be sore - heck yeah;  Will at times I wonder what in the hell I signed up for - I sure hope so; Will I feel amazing at having accomplished it when I am done?  MOST DEFINITELY!

This is why I take the challenges, why I push myself to stay active, to tackle physical challenges, and to feel my body - because I can - it may not be perfect but it's mine and it's strong and it's capable.... So hopefully my daughters will grow up seeing me push and will always answer with a 'sure let's go!' - we may go slow but we go.... :)  It is the best way to see new things, feel new things, and explore....

So I'll keep hiking, tangoing, and walk/jogging (yeah I don't really run run)....for as long as this body will carry me....