Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Stop waiting....

This time of year brings me a steady reminders of why it's important for me to embrace every moment and experience, to spend time with friends (old and new) in good deep conversation and quiet moments, take risks, experience new things, host and share and enjoy my loved ones....

I recently ran across an article "In Praise of Scruffy Hospitality" and it resonated so soundly with me.  My mother used to believe that even though we didn't have much, our house would always be one of hospitality where people wanted to gather (in particular our friends when we were growing up).  That while our furniture may be a hodgepodge of family antiques, yard sale finds, and hand-me-downs.... and the house I largely grew up in was very old and needed more work than we would ever finish.... and while it was often too warm in the summer and too cold in the winter..... there was always a comfy chair, good conversation, a warm or cold drink, and some sort of random assortment of food and munchies we could put together while we gathered on the porch or in the living room and talked, visited, or played cards....


Like my mom, I'm a terrible housekeeper - I neither like nor am terribly good at cleaning :) - but my house is usually reasonably neat and hopefully comfortable.... and at the end of the day, spending time with and sharing moments with my friends and loved ones (and the pups) is much more valuable to me than spending hours cleaning.  Rather than waiting until I have the time, energy and money to put together the perfect coordinated meal at a well organized table  - I love nothing more than picking up my kids from school or camp and deciding to put a call out to see who feels up to a fire in the firepit, a crockpot full of chili, and whatever other random sides I can find or folks feel like bringing.... I don't want to wait.... I want to enjoy my friends and loved ones when life is good and up and abundant and when life is tough, messy, and a little tighter....


I am the same way with furniture.... Why wait until my house is perfectly decorated to use and enjoy it?  I have a bit of a bargain shopping habit and have become addicted to the facebook marketplace and finding wonderful deals.... Recently I've bought a couple of beautiful hardwood pieces that need a lot of work.  When I picked up one of them, the lovely older woman who was selling it was shocked to hear me say that I would just be putting it in my living room and would get around to refinishing it sometime but it would be a bit.... (she also was concerned that I didn't have a man to help me unload it but rather assured her that my daughter and I had this....)



Life was meant to be lived!  By finding the beautiful pieces at beautiful prices :)  I can enjoy them, and my people, and my life.... I will get them refinished in time, but I'm not going to WAIT until everything is perfect to enjoy all aspects of it - if I did that I would miss all of the mess that makes life the most beautiful mosaic.... Plus I think that my hodgepodge of furniture is a reflection of me - slightly messy, comforting, eclectic, enduring, attractive even, flawed but more beautiful and richer for those, strong and lasting, stable, and inclusive.....oh yeah and most of it was a bargain.... :) (much like my hodgepodge of dishes at most of the meals at my house - spaghetti with a side of guac and chips?  why not?) 

So if you have been to my house.... I hope you are comfortable with some 'scruffy hospitality'.... you will always be greeted with a warm smile, something warm (or cold depending on the season - it is GA after all) to eat and drink, and some messy but good company and conversation :)


Monday, November 19, 2018

Tender Holidays

This week is a tender one in many ways for a lot of people.  As everyone prepares for the upcoming holidays (whatever holiday traditions you celebrate), please remember that for some of us - the holidays are tender, still joyful often but deeper and often with a strong undercurrent of memory, loss and grief.  Have more patience with that colleague who seems short tempered this time of year, reach out and spend time with your friends who may or may not have extended family, spare an extra smile compliment, laugh, or tip with that sales person, server, or other people you run into - regardless of their spirit at the time - it could change their whole day.  Give your friends and loved ones space to sit with all the range of emotions that hit - we don't need to be happy all the time.  If you have waves this time of year, ride them - let yourself experience all of the range of emotions, and find things that feed and soothe your soul....





Seven years ago my mom was sick (sicker than I realized at the time) and still had a lot of pain from a broken ankle a few years previously.  We were planning on Thanksgiving at my in-laws but mom was uncomfortable staying there for several reasons, including a full house, her pain, and sleep patterns.  So to make sure she spent the holiday with us - I got her a hotel room, right on the beach where she had her own whirlpool tub to soak in and a balcony she could open and listen to the waves.... For my water baby mom this was wonderful. 


She did pretty good through the holiday, and the day afterwards asked if I would take her over to see her dad in a nursing home in Williamsburg.  So just the two of us went off to see him.... I wish I had known it would be the last good chunk of time I would spend with her.  The next day she told me she was feeling very badly and was ready to go home so would be heading out.  She called when she got home and we all just assumed it was a bad case of the flu or a cold.  It was the last time I saw her..... At Christmas she was too sick to travel to us and by the time I got there to bring her down after her birthday she had died....

Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday, even though often it was just the three of us (myself, her, and my brother) and maybe a family friend or two, with very simple fair - she loved turkey but our side dishes were usually pretty basic green beans (not casserole), salad, pumpkin (baked not pie), corn and potatoes (either sweet or mashed with onions), and homemade gravy (always homemade).  Usually we caped off the day with a walk or drive around to look at lights or with a drive out to one of the local trails to walk around a bit when she was able.  Unless we were traveling and visiting others for the holiday, we didn't do Black Friday shopping.... opting instead for visiting friends, checking out local trails, or putzing on house projects (there were always projects to do around the house when you grow up in a 100+ year old home)....

I miss her daily but also know that she is still with me - she is laughing at the journey, celebrating the growth, and shaking her head at the follies.... I have in my head a lovely vision of her, my dad, my aunt and uncle, and a few other dear close friends gathering at a campsite by a trout stream to talk and laugh at the follies and adventures of those they have left here and tossing little reminders of them to us as we need.... So as I get older, I find myself returning to simpler ways and activities, particularly this time of year....





Saturday, September 1, 2018

Support or Sabotage.... What do you bring?

Words matter - how we respond to each other matters - and impacts each of us significantly.   Have  you ever had someone tell you about a significant life goal or vision that they are working toward?   Have you ever had a significant life goal and vision that you wanted to be actively working toward?  And you wanted to tell someone about it?   How did they respond?






Words matter - when we respond to someone's vision and goals with positivity and support, we lend wind to their wings to continue to work and reach toward those goals.  When we respond with doubt or challenges, how often do we limit what they see as possible and do we diminish their own vision and spark and joy.

Recently I was sharing my own vision with an associate and her comments really unsettled me a bit.  Her response was "Well it's good to have dreams even if we never achieve them"  and I just kind of laughed it off at the time, but I also thought about it for quite awhile.  There was a time when that would have significantly shaken me and caused me to spend time doubting the importance and drive toward my goal.  It may have even caused me to start doubting the achieve-ability and  value of my vision.  Thankfully this time it made me focus more on my long term goal and to realize that it isn't for everyone to understand, but it is for me to achieve and reach. There are other people I have tried to talk to about what I am working toward with the Hacienda and they listen initially but then will ask and joke about 'my commune' or other comments that indicate both a humor about the goal but also a clear lack of understanding or interest.  Initially this stung as much as the comments that I might not reach the goal because these were from people I expected to understand and engage with the idea.  However, I've learned that not everyone will be supportive but that should not ever change my intensity or drive to achieve my vision.  And the people who are close to me and who truly know and support me will also see the vision and the value.

How often when you hear someone talking about their goals and dreams do you encourage them and support them?  How often do you respond with subtle sabotage?  Do we know how to truly support the dreams and goals and visions?  I challenge myself and others to begin to respond with more encouragement, without qualifications or limitations, to be able to just listen and encourage without judging or critiquing.  There may be times when more critical comments or recommendations are desired, but when initially hearing or during vulnerable sharing time, respond with simple encouragement.  Think about whether our words shut doors just as they are starting to open, or do they provide some energy to keep the door open and energy flowing.

What does this type of support look like to you?  Have you ever felt shut down or sabotaged when sharing a vision?  Have you felt supported?  What did each feel like?  For me the support is as simple as listening when I feel like sharing my vision and as complex as giving me ongoing feedback and recommendations for ways to explore different aspects related to the vision (in my case, exploring other similar locations and ideas as well as building the skills necessary to implement the aspects of the Hacienda).

Elizabeth Gilbert has an essay on The Crab Bucket where she talks about how as we get closer to making significant growth and changes in our lives we often draw the most critiques and resistance from those close to us (and I would include our own internal critics) and that these voices are fighting to keep us back with them instead of supporting us to reach for things that may take us away or on to broader things.  Which place and what role do you want to play in the bucket and to your friends and loved ones?  I would rather be seen and viewed as someone who helps my friends and loved ones reach for their visions and dreams - even if it takes them away from me.  I want to be the person that my friends and loved ones and colleagues can share dreams and visions with and walk away feeling supported and encouraged to continue to reach for them, to believe that it is within their power to achieve any of their hearts desires.  Even when discussing the challenges of reaching for dreams, I would like to leave them with a feeling of general support and encouragement and that someone believes they can achieve it.  I try to do this by avoiding qualifiers, providing safe space to brainstorm, and helping them think through or around any challenges or blocks that they may see to achieving the dream/goal.

How can we move to a culture of support for each other in stead of sabotage?   How do we each ask people about their goals and dreams?  And how do you respond when they share?  How can we make each other richer in those interactions?




Tuesday, August 28, 2018

The power of teachers

I have had several conversations and interactions lately that have reminded me of the power of teachers - for both good and not so good.  Teachers have the power to shape, inspire, lift, and enrich us as well as the power to wound, limit, and cut us.

"With great power comes great responsibility" - Spiderman

Recently there have been a few situations that have caused me to revisit my own experiences with teachers - on both ends of the spectrum.  I'm not going to share the those stories (for they belong to others and they are their story to tell) but I will share some of my own.....

From the ones who try to break us -
The middle school social studies teacher who tried to shame me by taking a letter I was writing in class (yeah I was in the wrong in some ways), shredding it, and then taping it back together after class to take me to the principal the next day for calling her a b*tch (btw - thanks mom for standing by me and saying you were sure I had said worse about her and maybe the teacher needed to consider all the circumstances - like coming back 3/4 of the way through the year and being uber negative about the long term sub we all loved)

The kindergarten and first grade teacher who left my reading level below abysmal and had no interest in trying to instill a love of learning.

Athletics and dance teachers who kept such an aggressive pattern with instruction and demanded more than 100% or I wasn't good enough.....

To those who inspire growth, love, ongoing learning and enthusiasm for life....

My high school forensics coach and literature teacher who passed along his passion, shared books and classic films that I now know many people don't experience until college or later, who encouraged me to challenge myself and become state ranked in public speaking.  He was passionate about supporting and encouraging all of his students and created a classroom where so many thrived.  It is because of him that I discovered a love of stories like "The Lottery" and classics like Casablanca (please don't ever say Play it again Sam.... that's not the line....) and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (the original)

My summer camp counselor who helped me see that smiling made more friends than being scared and that every change was a chance for something new and wonderful to happen.  She helped me embrace transitioning to a new school and to continue to thrive during a period of major upheaval in my life.

My elementary school teacher who changed my reading level from below kindergarten to 2nd grade or higher all in a year.... and who continued throughout my life to inspire my love of reading.  Her daily reading opportunities, reading to the class challenges, and her gentle manner will forever be with me.  "Flattery will get you everywhere"

My college professor who pushed me, encouraged me, and is largely responsible for me taking the leaps and risks I did over the years to always continue to seek out the path that is right for me - no matter how unorthodox.  There will always be a pink flamingo in my yard now in honor of her.....

To my mentors and parents who helped me learn and see that life is what I make it and that continually learning and challenging the norms can lead me to create the life that I really want for myself....

To my more recent tango teachers and life teachers - who challenge me, who gently encourage, who can read when I need to be yelled at and when I need to be encouraged, who help me peel back the layers that are blocking me, and who have helped to enrich life.... To those who told me "Walk Like A Queen"  and to "Be Seen!  Show UP"....

There are many others who have played a role.... THANK YOU  to all of them, all of you.... you have enriched my life and my journey.... never underestimate the power that a teacher can have on someone.....

When you are the teacher what do you want people to take away from interactions with you?

Who were your memorable teachers?  What lessons do you carry with you?

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Expand your horizons.... travel.....

Last month I headed out on an adventure - I challenged myself to do something I had never done before - I traveled alone to a foreign country, where I barely speak any of the language, for 10 days.  And it was..... MAGICAL!!!

 "Don't be afraid to travel the journey alone - You might find yourself."



Since I've returned home, I've had several conversations with people, particularly young women, about my trip and how they wished they could travel more but they don't know anyone who would travel with them.  I challenge them to consider what it would be like to travel alone - to be completely free to experience and form their own adventure and experience.

I routinely travel around the United States alone, but this was the first time I had gone out of the country by myself.  The experience was one of the most enriching experiences of my life...






1 - Traveling alone expands your horizons even more.  Rather than limiting your view of any culture or experience, you open your mind and your spirit to see and feel what other places, people, cultures and experiences are like.  Because I was completely on my own, I was free to take my time to wander through the city, talk to people when I had the opportunity, observe daily life, and to just soak up the experience.  My views and experience of the city were only filtered through my own lens, no one else.  I had the opportunity to take my time and absorb the aspects that spoke most directly to me.
























2 - We grow from a little discomfort.  Because I didn't speak the language fluently and had to learn to communicate with people, I was forced to find ways to communicate and to practice my own Spanish skills but also just my communication skills.  However, it also meant that I learned to navigate a new city and explore new experiences.  I got out of my comfort zone with a minimal safety net.  Before I left I knew there were places I wanted to go, in particular some significant tango locations (El Beso - more on this in a later blog), but was very anxious to go alone.  And yet I did go - not just once but many times over the course of my trip.  And wonder of wonders, I not only became more comfortable but I began to meet people and make new friends!  I learned to let myself be seen again and to begin to connect with new people in new ways!





3 - Traveling alone forces us to build our understanding and connection to ourselves!  Because I was completely on my own, I had the opportunity to really explore what it was I wanted - each day I was the only one responsible for what I wanted to explore.  I was able to spend time just sitting and writing and re-discovering what was important to me and valuable to me.  Because there was no one else to balance time with or consider while I was exploring, the experience allowed me to truly connect to myself, examine what was important to me and where I want the future to go.  During this trip, I learned parts of the city that I really loved exploring (and can't wait to revisit) were the areas where old history co-existed with current life - the neighborhoods where two hundred year old buildings existed side by side with new building and signs for current movies; the neighborhoods were sidewalks were wide and may have had five different types of surfaces along the block; the blocks where there were fruit and vegetable stands side by side with bookstores, ice cream shops and food to go shops.  :)  I didn't enjoy as much the parts of the city where the buildings were all new and similar in style.  I learned that I am not only comfortable but enjoy wandering the city at night.  I learned that I can feel embraced by a city (this was big for a country girl).  And I learned there is little more enjoyable than a quiet cup of cafe con leche while reading a favorite book and writing in my journal.  Food tastes better when you aren't anxious about someone elses reaction to your restaurant of choice. 



4 - You find yourself exploring more and quite possibly even making new friends in unexpected places.  I came away from this trip with more new friends than I ever anticipated.  Without a travel partner, I reached out more and was more receptive when approached by others while I was out exploring.  There is something enriching and encouraging about making new connections and exploring new friendships with people from different cultures - we share stories and experiences, areas where we both are similar as well as different.  In addition, we share our interest in each others' languages and some of the friends I've made I continue to talk with and to learn to improve my Spanish for my next visit.  I don't know if I would have made as many new connections on my own if I had been traveling with someone else.  But also, because I was traveling alone, I didn't feel the need to be social when I wanted to just be quiet and absorb.  The ability to flow between social and quiet solitude was freeing and uplifting. 

5 - Traveling alone strengthens you - it reminds of you of all that you are capable of and can do on your own.  It increases your confidence in your own abilities and interests.  You don't have to worry about someone elses reactions and it forces you to accomplish things (finding directions, communicating with people, making new connections) that you may feel intimidated about.  There was a moment where I had trouble locating the shop to change money during my trip.  While I had gotten the address and good directions from a friend of mine, I was still on my own to actually find the location and exchange my dollars for pesos.  When I had accomplished the task, I felt much more confident and stronger - from something that simple and what felt extremely easy by the time I left to head home. 






6 - You see things you may miss otherwise.  Because I didn't have someone else with me - I was able to fully take every bit of time I may want in certain areas.  I found myself very drawn to a cemetery in a particular area of town and to the street art throughout the city.  I was free to wander and explore each of these as much as I wanted.  I didn't worry about a friend or travel partner criticizing my desire to walk barefoot in the cemetery (in the winter even); or complaining that a one mile section of walking was taking me 30 minutes because I kept stopping to take pictures of the artwork.  I ended each day feeling enriched by all I had seen and at peace with the time I had taken to wander and explore it.




Since my return home, I continue to encourage everyone (men and women) I know to travel - travel with friends and loved ones but also, take a trip on your own - learn about yourself and sink into a new culture.... If you could go anywhere - where would you go?  what holds you back?  what excites you about the travel? 


Saturday, July 28, 2018

I am....

This most recent adventure has been a really amazing journey and opportunity to re-ground myself and understanding who I am.... I recently spent some time just sitting, thinking, and writing - contemplating who I am and who I want to be.... How do I want to be seen. After spending about an hour writing all of the words that came to mind when I thought about who I am and want to be - I felt very content, it's not all pretty and easy and nice - there is complexity and negatives included - but I felt grounded and centered and peaceful. I like this activity because it forces me to quiet myself and think deeply about who I am and how I want to be, and want to be seen. I also love visualizing it in multiple ways - as a reminder to accept those darker pieces, build compassion for myself, and to enjoy and celebrate all of the parts.
What words come to mind when thinking about yourself? How do you see yourself and want others to see you? What would your word portrait look like?

Saturday, July 21, 2018

New Adventures and Challenges - part 1

This year I have taken on some new adventures and challenges in ways that truly stretched me, excited, and terrified me.... I want to share a little bit about some of those.... It is about my journey, an opportunity to spread my wings and continue the growth and exploration....

In July, I took my first solo international flight to a country where I only speak a small amount of the language (hablo un poco de espanol y no bien pero estudiando).  :) I spent 10 days visiting a new city and country with the entire focus being on absorbing the rich, beautiful culture and continuing my journey with Argentine tango.  This journey includes not a small amount of work on my own personal growth and development as well as the physical steps and fundamentals of the dance itself. 

As a whole this year has been about learning to dive deeper into myself, my journey, and my experiences and to stretch myself to reach beyond what I expect to what I can do and want to do... to build strength and understanding and spreading my own wings.  My tango journey is a significant part of that as it represents so much of the whole.... This year I've challenged myself to attend workshops, meet new people. be vulnerable in learning something new that is challenging, and to feel all of the growth and opportunities and experiences....

Ok back to July :)



My trip to Buenos Aires was one of the most amazing experiences (and I cannot wait to go back in a few months)... it stretched me and strengthened me in ways I had not even imagined.  As I was preparing to go, I had to stay in that feeling of being uncomfortable and to absorb all of it.  When I arrived and as I traveled around during the 10 days that I was there.... I had moments of complete discomfort and insecurity that I learned to keep moving through and suddenly I would realize just how at home and comfortable I felt.  By the time I left, I was not ready to come home and realized I had found a place that felt as comforting as any home I had ever been to.  During the 10 days I was there, I learned to continue to move through the discomfort, how to communicate even when I didn't have as much language capacity as I wanted or needed.  Writing, gestures, and genuine effort to speak what l could went a long way.  I didn't go hungry or thirsty, I met some amazing people, I visited some historic and beautiful sites, and in general soaked in the culture in a way I had not even realized would happen....


I often hear from other women that they are afraid to travel because 'what will happen if I can't speak the language', 'what if I get lost', 'what if....'  and my answer to them is to try - to take a note card with them when they go out with the address of their hotel/air bnb....but to go try - you will be amazed at how much you CAN do and CAN communicate and the power you feel when you realize you can do it and you are ok and more than ok .... and it's beautiful!!!


While I was in Buenos Aires - I took daily tango lessons with the best tango instructors :) who are amazing people and I'm incredibly thankful to count as friends now.... Through tango I pushed to learn how to move my body, to become more aware of how to move each part of my body separately and freely.... Kinesthetic knowledge is not my strong suit, but it is so good for me and such a beautiful experience to push myself to learn this, to connect with each part and muscle and to express through that and with the music....

During both my tango lessons and my wandering around the city (I would spend hours each day just wandering) - I would experience moments of self-consciousness, insecurity, and feeling awkward (particularly during the dance)... This is part of MY journey - and to feel and honor those feelings and to let them pass on so that I can relish and sink into the other feelings and connections.... To begin to learn how to do that and how to practice that on a regular basis.  Sometimes this was when I felt like I couldn't understand how to move my body, or could understand the concept but just could not seem to get my body to respond consistently the way I wanted, or when trying to translate in my head and respond quickly or reasonably to comments or questions when I was out wandering the city.... But it was definitely a significant moment of growth for me and is one that I have carried home - so be more open and to BE SEEN and owning my space - regardless of feelings of awkwardness and to be able to feel those without letting them control the moment....

It did lead to some interesting questions that I worked on while there and continue to regularly even now.... Do I want to be seen?  Can I be comfortable being seen?  Honestly - there are days this is still a struggle for me but I work on it and challenge myself to continue strengthening this in myself.  I do want to be seen, now my work is to be comfortable again in being seen without apology and without feeling a need to hide or minimize myself (physically or socially).  I look for ways to continue to challenge myself to be seen.... I have gotten back to dressing up and showing my femininity without feeling like it limits or weakens me or that I need apologize for it.... How to embrace myself without minimizing....



One of the best compliments I have received just recently (that reinforced how much progress I had made in this area) was that a colleague of mine loved how I showed my own unique style all the time without apology and in way that still fit the circumstances (she has seen me at business meetings, conferences, presentations, etc)- she described it as a little hippy, a little bohemian, a little flower child, and a little chic.... :)    For a few years I buried myself, this hippy/bohemian/wild child.... but she's coming back now and stronger....

More on the new adventures and challenges - and about the Buenos Aires trip - in future posts.... teasers include upcoming Lisbon, Portugal trip; more about the Argentina trip; starting yet another new business Roots & Wings....

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Accepting the challenge

Last week my daughters climbed 178 stairs to the top of a lighthouse.  Because they could, because it didn't occur to them to say that they wouldn't try.  My youngest complained at some points about being anxious coming up or down and needing to go slowly, but she kept moving.  At no point did either one of them say that they couldn't do it because they were too young or it was too high.  I hope this is because they are watching and learning and seeing.


During the first week of this month (my birthday week), I participated in 2 different 10k races, a brutal 5 mile hike up a mountain with a 30lb ruck sack in preparation for a rucking event this September, and a gentle fun 6 hike up to some waterfalls.  I did all of this simply because I could - because I could ask my body to perform and it would.

I have always struggled with body image issues, from childhood on.  I've never been the most thin, or athletic - but I have always been active.  As I become firmly entrenched in middle age, I am finding more and more joy in being active and in finding ways to stretch and feel all parts of myself.  I don't look like a runner (or to most people even an avid hiker).  And when I am out there running or hiking, I don't think about what size I'm wearing or where I have too much cellulite - I'm simply thinking about how good it feels to move and to see and experience new things.  


I have also found that while there are some who are always surprised to find that someone who looks like me can and wants to do so much physically.  However, there are an equal number of people on the trail or at the race who are supportive and encouraging of each other regardless of athleticism or physical shape.  I find that I don't do these things to compete with other people - but rather to just feel what my body is physically capable of, while it is capable!

One of my dear friends who is currently organizing a rucking event (an all women event which I think is going to be awesome) and was laughing when she called me out publicly on Facebook inviting me to come up and participate that I responded with an almost immediate "Hell Yeah - I'll be there".... She then privately messaged me to ask if I knew what I was signing up for.  I assured that I knew generally what rucking was (I mean my baby brother was an army ranger - so yeah I have an idea) and that with all the backpacking and other things I did, I figured I would probably be ok.  Besides - it is another chance to try pushing my body, to feel all my muscles and endurance.... and to do so in one of the most beautiful parts of the southeast (the Appalachian mountains).  Will I be sore - heck yeah;  Will at times I wonder what in the hell I signed up for - I sure hope so; Will I feel amazing at having accomplished it when I am done?  MOST DEFINITELY!

This is why I take the challenges, why I push myself to stay active, to tackle physical challenges, and to feel my body - because I can - it may not be perfect but it's mine and it's strong and it's capable.... So hopefully my daughters will grow up seeing me push and will always answer with a 'sure let's go!' - we may go slow but we go.... :)  It is the best way to see new things, feel new things, and explore....

So I'll keep hiking, tangoing, and walk/jogging (yeah I don't really run run)....for as long as this body will carry me....

Monday, June 18, 2018

Tango and family

A little over a year ago, I found myself drawn to Argentine tango as I have mentioned in my previous blog.  My attraction to this complex, beautiful dance and culture has only grown the more I have studied, explored and experienced.  At the same time I have been thinking about how this rich experience, it's draw for me, and connection for me is interwoven and informed by my experiences and familial history.

Beatriz Dujovne in her book "In Strangers' Arms"  (a beautiful read and exploration of tango and relationships regardless of whether you ever dance a step or not) discusses the complexity of the history of tango as well as the depth and complexity of the tango experience.

"The tango is, for me, a cocoon of sweetness, an instinctive innocence with a touch of mischief, a beauty, a might."

As I read through her book, through the discussion of the rich history of tango evolving from the variety of immigrant cultures/experiences/and music influencing its development, through the unique role of connection, playfulness, improvisation, and emotional expression that are defining features for this complex and beautiful experience, I begin to understand why this dance has drawn me in when no other has.  It begins to become clear to me why this is the dance, culture, and feelings that are continually pulling me back to challenge myself, to understand myself, and to seek out this experience.

Tango represents a beautiful fusion of cultures and experiences - sought after by people who were seeking a home, to create a sense of familiarity and connection.  I think it is this observation that I connected to first in the book and recognized an experience that draws together people who are seeking that type of home and connection and depth.  My early life experiences led me to see and value a melding of cultures and experiences and to continually seek out that human connection.

My grandmother was always a traveler and seeker of experiences - I can remember her telling stories of high tea in England and Scotland when she traveled when I was a young child.  I can also remember her exuberance when one winter when we were having a very thin Christmas, she was invited to go bear hunting with our family friend.  My grandmother reveled in spending the day riding in an old pick-up truck around mountain roads, followed up by an evening of eggnog and teaching my 13 year old self to play poker.  She sought out human connection whereever she found it - and took everyone at face value.

My dad approached life and relationships the same way - he adored human connection, banter, debate and had the most playful nature.  He also drew people to him from all walks of life.  And he wanted to learn.  I get my ineptness but love of languages from him - he tried to learn Spanish for years, finally even traveling to Mexico for several months.  However, apparently it never stuck.  :)

One of the most gregarious and loving people I knew was my German Uncle (friend turned family) who never met a stranger - I was in high school when he 'adopted' a Russian circus that found itself stranded in Atlanta around one of the long holiday weekends.  He traded them a weekend of hospitality in exchange for good conversation, some fun shows, and general community building.  Because that's what he felt you did - when you could afford to (and even when you couldn't) - you took care of others and you built connections and relationships.

He was also the one who took me aside when I was about 16, 6 or so years after my dad had passed, and talked to me about how my parents had had a very passionate and intense relationship - it was one that reflected their deep passion for life and each other - but because of the passion it was volatile.  They fought as hard as they loved.  When I listen to the tango music and read tango lyrics - it's this same passion (for life, for people, for experiences - the pain and the pleasure part of passion) that I see reflected; it is passion that keeps people seeking this experience (not necessarily sexual but a passion for living and connecting).

I was a recent transplant to Applachia when my father died - leaving us feeling very adrift - and yet - again connection and relationships and sharing is what helped transition us through.

This history of experiences and seeking of home and connection, laid a fertile ground for tango to root in my spirit and to pull me toward greater connection and experience and an enrichment of life..... Life has not always been easy - but it is this fusion of the challenging, the grief, the joy, and the richness of life that adds to the beauty of life and of tango.  I'm thankful for the experiences that made me who I am today and that my journey to find that sense of home and that connection has continued to guide me and has brought me to tango..... ahhh to see where the next tanda leads.... :)

Thursday, June 14, 2018

My dad....Thank you.....

I was and am a consummate daddy's girl - have been all my life :)


For the first year of my life my dad was terrified of me (to be fair apparently I also screamed like a banshee whenever my mom was out of sight) - he was scared he would drop or break me.  However, by the time I could walk - we were inseparable.  By the time I was two, I would stand at the front door waiting (sometimes crying) for him to come home.  He was my hero, my rock, my idol, my teacher, my dad.

He taught me the value of experience over classroom.  He taught me the power of loving and giving whenever humanly possible.  The value of a simple conversation or no conversation at all while sharing time and space with a loved one.  The challenges and freedom of being an entrepreneur - and the extreme satisfaction of building a business and reputation.  It is ok to screw up and have to ask for forgiveness and demonstrate change.  Take a risk.  Try to take care of and give your loved ones and your community whatever you can.  HAVE FUN.  LAUGH. Don't be afraid to fail or to fly.  Go top shelf/first class when you can - you won't regret it.   The sheer enjoyment of good debate and discussion just for the sake of the banter.  Always be you.  That good dad's take so many shapes and are worth their weight in gold - they aren't mom's, they do things differently, but they are just as capable and loving.

He never called me princess - but there was also almost nothing I was denied.  And that I could be ANYTHING I decided to be.


"Daddy, I know it's late but will you take me to Sara's so we can have a sleepover and watch the Muppets"  - Yes it's an hour a way and already 7pm.  He took me.

Driving an hour home to pick us all up and take us to dinner 45 minutes in the other direction just because I asked.  Yep - he did that.

Annual trips to explore DC - just he and my brother and I - while mom was able to indulge her in her dog show activities nearby.



Getting up at 5:30am to take me to swim class an hour away because it was my one passion.  Then breakfast out afterwards, just the two of us.

Rum and Coke and Dinkleacker beer (mainly because of the name).

Sitting on the foot of my bed trying to explain this horrible new epidemic that was sweeping the country and just beginning to try to be understood in the early 80s.

Sitting on a riverbank or pond bank, trout fishing.

The value of a closet full of suits when you are color blind and fashion senseless.... :)

Taking me out of school to go watch the final installation of a dome stadium nearby and a tour of a dam that was being built nearby (an internal tour of dam under construction is pretty amazing and sticks with me to this day).

Watching him cook fried green tomatoes :)

Walking the property line and after arguing about something, laughing as he said I should be an attorney when I grew up because I could argue about anything and usually win and leave the other person wondering what happened.  He taught me the value and the power of words (so try to keep them kind).

The joy of giving someone a gift that is perfect for them - suited to them - something that just made you think about that person.  For those of you who have gotten these kind of random gifts from me - you can blame him.


Rafting, tubing, and canoeing down the river with his best friend and kids.  Getting out of the boat to swim alongside.  Being on the water with him.

Bear hugs

Trying to learn to remove fat and cholestrol from his diet to improve his health - substituting slices of tomato for sausage on his morning biscuit; apple cider instead of milk on cheerios.

Playing hours and hours of Ms. PacMan (NOT PacMan) on the arcade machine at the 7-11 across from his office.  I used to dream for years after his death that I would walk into that 7-11 and see him and he would turn and go "what took you all so long, I've been waiting."

Crystal Gayle, Cheech & Chong, Richard Pryor, Clint Eastwood - Dad picking me up when I was sick at school and taking me home for a Sprite to settle my stomach and letting me curl up and watch Superman, Any Which Way You Can and then Dirty Harry (yeah I know, not always the best decisions - also the start of my Clint obsession)

Riding with mom to pick him up from the office Christmas party he hosted for his staff because he knew he couldn't drive - the importance of being responsible.

To love intensely.

Then on December 20, 1985 - mom had just gotten home from visiting him at the hospital and told us kids he was doing better and we could all go see him the next day.  And then the phone rang - it was the hospital - he was gone, another massive heart attack shortly after she had left to drive home.  And like that life changed -

My dad wasn't perfect - oh he was the perfect dad for me but he wasn't a perfect human.  He and mom loved and fought intensely.  He often put work over family time in an effort to provide everything he could for those he loved.  And he left our little family so far in debt that it still ripples through our adult families now and mom never fully swam out of.  And he left.

There are days I still get angry that he left - that I get angry that he worked himself to death - that he isn't here to laugh at how much like him Natalie is or to enjoy swim class with Emily.  But at the same time, I would never trade the time I did have with him or the lessons I learned before he died and because of his death.  I am who I am because life unfolded the way it did - and I learned as much resilience because of the path life took after he passed.  And I was able to have several surrogate fathers (only a few ever measured up) who provided new lessons along the way.

And I was left with a strong appreciation of the importance of fathers.  Fathers are SOOOO important - to all children - but for me, particularly for daughters.  I am now a strong advocate for fathers.  I try to make sure to tell the dads I know how amazing I think they are and how much their daughters and sons need them - even when we go through our adolescent/young adult phase and test the heck out of that love and try to prove we don't need them.  Even now, there are times I go sit by a riverbank so that I can talk to dad to get his take on an issue or to feel his spirit.  It's why I have fried green tomatoes and a biscuit with a slice of tomato on my birthday.  It's why rainbow trout is one of my favorite foods.  It's why I still grin when I see Ms PacMan.  And why I will always drop random gifts for people I care about.....

So on this Father's day weekend -

  • If you are a dad (step, bio, adoptive, grand, etc) - sending you lots of love and appreciation!  Know your kids feel it even when they aren't showing it.  You all are amazing!  Thank you!!!
  • If you are a father figure in someones life (an important uncle, a family friend, etc) Thank you!!!  
  • If your dad is still here (and you have a healthy relationship) - Call him, email him, or go see him.  Give him a hug for those of us who can't physically touch or hear ours.  Remember the good strong points and forgive the challenges.
  • If your dad has passed - find time and space to sit and remember, appreciate, and talk.... 
  • If you have a dad like person in your life - give them some love too!  :)



Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Tell me I can't.... then watch me.....

So I've always been a bit hard headed to say the least.  The best way to ensure that I try something is to tell me it is not safe, impossible, a bad idea, or not something I can do - particularly not something I can do alone.  :)  My mother learned long ago that it was better to let me find my own way than to tell me outright that I could or could not do something.  After one particularly difficult break-up, she admitted she had never liked the guy and was concerned (because we were engaged for several years) but she knew better than to tell me that or it would have ensured I made it work no matter what the cost to myself. 

I'm a girl from the sticks of Appalachia - raised by a mom who didn't finish college and who was left in significant poverty when her husband died young.  According to the stats (and my high school guidance counselor) I shouldn't be where I am now - with a PhD from one of the premier schools in my field and successfully running my own business supporting communities all over the my home state. Over the years I have heard 'it's too risky to start your own business' 'don't you need to make sure you have insurance' 'are you sure this is the right move?' "you travel all that way on your own' 'you aren't going camping alone are you, aren't you scared' 'what if something happens'- all of these led me to trails that have brought me where I am now.... :)



Recently I knew I needed some outside time in the woods alone.  I told a few friends that I was going hiking alone and I was warned that the trail I wanted to do was a bad idea - it would be slick, muddy, and I've never hiked this trail without spraining my ankle.  So of course, it's the trail I pick.  The day was rainy, the trail turned into a creek at several points, it was slick, and it was also beautiful.  The time alone in the woods let me feel and smell and experience all of mother nature and father time washing away the stress and negativity of the world and reminded me of who I am - I entered the woods feeling heavy, dark, lost, and struggling....

I emerged reminded of who I am and grounded.... I am strong, gentle, brave, very loving, open, giving, determined, independent, consistent, fierce, wild, silly, scared, messy, soft, empathetic, story-teller, and wanderer.... 


I listened to the woods and my spirit and my ancestors and the voices of my tribe here (even when they aren't with me, I was reminded that their spirits lift and carry mine).... I walked in silence so I could hear and feel these things and remember that they are with me and in me to rely on.... 




I know where I want to go and the type of life I want to build.... This is my creative life - my tango - wild natural freedoms, work to care for children and families, tango, connection, creativity, and comfort....  Things do happen and we aren't always safe - but there are also no guarantees in life - it is meant to be lived out loud and fully!  And to do that I don't think I can walk away from the things that feel right - even if someone (even my inner meanie) says I can't.... there is nothing to be lost from trying and SOOOO much to be gained!

Because I was told I couldn't - and yet also had people who quietly whispered just try - I did and am doing.... I have dreams yet unfilled and goals yet unattained.  So when my inner evil voice tells me I can't - I quietly whisper back to her 'watch me'.... watch me:
  • Fix that dryer by myself
  • Really learn and develop my tango
  • Install that storm door
  • Grow this business
  • Travel anywhere my heart desires (Italy, Argentina, New Zealand, Scotland, where else can I go.... )
  • Finally learn spanish
  • Build this new unusual authentic life
  • Create the Hacienda


The Shel Silverstein poem "Listen to the Musnt's Child" speaks so directly to my spirit in this way.  And the rebel in me, listens and then charges on! And it thrills (and terrifies) my soul that my oldest daughter has fallen in love with this poem as well.  It's the first one she ever memorized and she frequently asks for it before bed.   Anything is possible - Anything can be!