what if....

Last night I was at a dear friend's birthday celebration at her house.... My daughters and I were the only folks there who were not black.  This is a home that both my girls and I are very comfortable in and enjoy visiting frequently.  It wasn't until we got home and I was asking my daughters if they had a good time and they both glowed as they talked about how much fun they had playing with their friends (both the guys and the girls at the party) that this thought occurred to me.  Neither one of them were the slightest bit uncomfortable roaming around the house (they stayed downstairs with the food and games and kids while most of the adults were upstairs hanging out).  I love the folks we were visiting - they are family - they are my children's aunts and uncles and some of my dearest friends, and their friends accept us and welcome us with hugs and warmth as well.

This morning the circumstances hit me and I realized how incredibly blessed I am to be able to give my daughters this experience - to let them see, feel, and experience what it is like to be in a group that doesn't look like them.  In a world of white privilege (and honestly even the fact that this is an anomaly just points more to that privilege) I want them to be able to see and experience the feeling so that they build more empathy but also so that they learn to walk in all areas regardless of how much they look, act, or have experiences similar to those around them - I want them to grow up open and willing to build relationships based on who people are rather than how we look. Someone asked me this morning whether I was uncomfortable and it took me a minute to realize why they were asking and I laughed and said no that I was with family.

One of my best friends and I have frequently had the discussion that we do not know many other families who have had overnight visits with families of other races - while it is the norm for our families.  We also talked about how much experiences like that are what it will really take to break down the barriers between races and social classes both.  It is through these shared deep intimate moments that we truly grow to appreciate and respect each other.


I am not in the camp that we should ignore racial differences - we have very different life experiences and histories- however I am in the camp that we should celebrate, learn, and appreciate those differences.  And I believe that only by sharing in close, deep moments can we actually begin to really build that appreciation and experience.  I also believe that deep moments and intimate moments are those little things and experiences that grow over time and give us the opportunity to just be with each other in all ways, in vulnerability safety and security and acceptance.

I was blessed in graduate school to become best friends with a beautiful, smart, powerful, urban black woman - she was (and is -despite geographic and life course differences) my rock and touchstone for who I want to be when I grow up.  We were two sides of a coin - if you needed one just look for the other and we'd know where we each were - we lived next door to each other, visited the gym every day together, co-taught a course we designed, and shared an office.... she taught me about city life (how to take a bus when we were in chicago) and I took her home to experience life in the country (where she shot her first gun).... we talked about anything and everything, things I would have been scared to ask others I was safe to ask her (the only way to combat ignorance is to be able to ask about it).  When I got ready to get married, my mom told me she would be really disappointed in me if I didn't ask D to be my maid of honor - and she was right - D has had as much influence on my life course (even parts she wasn't aware of) as any mentor I've had.... because she opened paths and eyes.  She and I even talked a taxi driver into getting us as close as he was willing to Cabrini Green in Chicago before they tore it down, because we both knew the power of feeling and understanding where people are from, the factors that shape their lives, and that being there with them is the most powerful way to grow.

What will the world look like as we all get more comfortable being in places where we are not the majority? Where we need to be open and learn to engage and enjoy others in all spaces and ways?  How often do you put yourself in a position to be, in a day to day living way, the minority (for those of you in the majority)?  How do we continue to seek out ways to open ourselves up like this?  Are we willing to bare our vulnerability so that we can experience the beauty of diversity and share experiences?

Why tango?

Recently I was hanging out with some good friends and a new acquaintance, when she asked me 'why tango?  I mean I've heard it's the hardest dance to learn, so why that as a new thing.'  We were on an escalator and my response was not the fabulous elevator speech that she was looking for but that is because my reasons for why Argentine tango are deeper and richer than I can convey in one pithy statement.  I settled for something a little joking and a little serious with my 'go big or go home' and 'because it really is a beautiful rich historical creative experience that is more than just a dance and lets me continue to grow and step into me.'  Tango has definitely been a core experience to my most recent reboot and reclaiming of my own spirit.

The experience left me revisiting some writings and musings I've done regarding tango over the past year and a half or so - influenced greatly by beautiful people, experiences, books, and blogs.  Not all of them will be in this post - will save some of the goodies and deep stuff for later- but I wanted to touch on at least a few of my reasons for why tango.... :)

1 - It doesn't come easy to me.  It is challenging physically and emotional.  For most of my life, I have been able to cherry pick experiences to find those that I could become proficient and even very skilled at with relatively little effort and discomfort on my part.  I'm not much of an athlete, but I found that some sports (basketball and volleyball) came easy to be - along with hiking and swimming - so that was where I focused my efforts.  Also - those are all sports that are readily accepting of those of us with curvier figures.  :)  Tango doesn't come easily - it requires a body knowledge that I have to work very hard at - all parts of it are physically challenging - from learning to hear and interpret the lead to understanding how to make my body move in the way I want (maintaining a straight axis, pivoting smoothly, dissociation between my shoulders and hips, keeping my weight over my metatarsal, etc etc etc).  I have to practice and practice and know that for every two steps forward I may end up taking a large step back.  It also challenges me to let myself be vulnerable around other people - both my partners, my teachers, and other dancers - to open myself up to possible critique (both of my physical body and of my dance ability).  To be open enough to hear and feel my leaders communication and direction and to respond, trusting him or her to accept/protect/and respond..... But at the end of it all, it's these growing opportunities that provide the most powerful components of tango for me.

2 - It's beautiful - the music, the history, the development, the connection, the movement.  The great music of the 20s - the passion and heart that is the range of emotional music is inspiring in a way that so much other music isn't.  Later I will expand more how much tango music reminds me of bluegrass, folk music, old R&B, jazz - the music that arose out of  a need to convey a shared experience and so much emotion as well as to bring some joy and pleasure and communication out of an otherwise challenging environment.  Beatriz Dujovne describes the history and depth of tango so beautifully in her book "In Strangers' Arms" - and it is this complexity that makes tango so beautiful - it's like a multilayered blanket made with so many different threads, textures, and colors that you can spend a lifetime with it and still feel like you are just discovering it and yourself.

"A fully lived tango is all about the exaltation of a human connection at the primitive level of our senses, movements, and reflexes.  It sublimates our bases instincts, which actually interfere with dancing, and draws out our memories, histories, and sentiments....g In Strangers Arms pg 86

3- It makes me face my own deep struggles with self image and self worth.  All of my life I have struggled with self image issues - I was relating a story to some friends last night about how when I was in 5th or 6th grade, one of the 'cute boys' in the class, someone I considered a friend, asked me if I would like to go to the upcoming dance with him - I was shocked and flattered (particularly cause I was the chunky girl even then).  The next day, he and all of the cool girls, came up to me and were chuckling 'you didn't really think he meant it right?  he was just joking and playing - he would never go with you.'  The sting of that experience (and others like it) left a mark that I still struggle against today.  Tango is full of amazingly beautiful men and women - and it is a dance and experience that emphasizes femininity and masculinity as well as elegance, beauty, and gracefulness.  All things that I do not traditionally associate with myself.  Entering a milonga or even a tango workshop and having to put aside my historical issues with self image and worth and remember - as one of my favorite tango instructors told me - that I am a Queen and should be treated as such regardless of experience level, I should walk out there with the air that I am beyond worthy of any dance and that my partner is as lucky to get to dance with me as I am with them.... Tango challenges me to continually strengthen my own view of self worth and image so that I can enter the environment with that sense of beauty, power, and vulnerability all mixed together - vulnerability to allow me to connect with another person/music/group, power to take control of my own experience (inviting, accepting, and declining invitations as I feel led to in that moment), and an acute awareness and appreciation of the broad range of beauty, grace and elegance that can and does exist in all of us.  There are still days where I enter a class or milonga or other event and question if I fit, but as my teacher said - raise your head and your eyes and own that floor and experience, you are worthy and they are lucky....

4 - Connection - The connection to the music (musicality is a challenge for me but is so much fun and the music is so beautiful and expressive), to the room full of other dancers, and to our partner.  Social tango - Argentine tango is all about connection.  I am a people person and connection is a huge part of my life and something that strengthens and fuels me.  However, it is also something that can be challenging because it does require so much vulnerability.  It is this vulnerability and the connections that occur again and again through the dance that is so incredible and when it occurs - leaves us wanting more.  After my divorce, the desire and yet struggle for this type of connection became more poignant and powerful.  It also made me more aware of when connections are real and there is connection and listening on both sides - shared connection - and the beauty and power in that type of experience.

"The unknown can descent upon us and leave us disoriented.  Before we have begun to find our way to the inner tango, it can even confuses us or leave us terrified.  But without the unknown, there can be no surprise and no delight.  Dancers get to know it, because it's how every embrace begins: with a discovery of the other." In Strangers Arms pg 87.

Most importantly - for me - Argentine tango is a physical expression of all of life and experience and emotion shared together with another person and group of people, it's more than just the physical movement of the dance it's the connection to the music (sometimes just listening and watching is filling) and to other people....my dance is strengthened, smoother, gentler, and warmer when I allow all of who I am and what I feel to connect with the music, environment and partner.

A dear friend of mine once said that 'real life was getting in the way of her tango life' and I laughed with her and reassured her that real life was tango life - we cannot truly have a full tango life without embracing all that is our lives.... mom, entreprenuer, neurotic, silly, outdoorsy, empathetic, caring - all that flows through and improves the experience. We just need to settle into our own spirits and tango on....

Wonder

Wonder and magic and appreciation are some of the most beautiful things we have in this world....

While my perspective may have changed over the years, with each passing year I grow to appreciate the magic that exists around us all the time.  There is magic in the everyday world around us - from the coloring of the gold finch, blue jays, cardinals, and robins that flock to the area each year.... to the way that our earth can provide wonderful peaceful care and sustenance (trees to shade, a range of wild food, beautiful flowers, rushing calming water, and colors beyond the imagination in the sunlight/rain/shadow/flowers/etc)....

As a mother, I have learned that I want my children to grow with a continually appreciation and respect for the everyday magic - the magic of kindness among strangers, the wonder of something unexpected turning up, and of the unlimited possibilities that can exist in this diverse and amazing space we live in.  I encourage their belief in fairies (and in particular all the insects that help run errands and do chores for fairies) and for them to make their own minds up about any other magical and fascinating things. 

Having lost both of my parents and more friends and family members than I would like - I also encourage them to see and feel the warmth and support of all our ancestral members - to see them in the cardinals, in the unexpected gifts, in the foolish antics of our pups, and of the unexpected flower blooming where it shouldn't. 

I once overheard a young child telling other children that magic, fairies, and ghosts didn't exist - This happened in my house - and so I decided to intervene and I told all the kids that our house - magic does exist, it is the best of all of us and it is what makes so many things worthwhile.  And the beauty is we can all do magic, but just doing little kindnesses for each other and strangers and the world - and by slowing down enough to appreciate all the beauty and wonder that is out there.  Trail magic along the Appalachian Trail is legendary and something that keeps so many long distance hikers going....

How much warmer and better would our lives and our world be if we all appreciated and practiced a little more magic, allowed ourselves the beauty of wonder and appreciation a little bit more.... I hope that I always find things that make me slow down and wonder at the power and beauty of our world....