What kind of friend do you want to be.....

This past weekend I found myself watching two movies that seemed to be surface similar premises but as I watched were two profoundly different movies.  To be completely honest, I only was able to watch about 30 minutes of the second movie :)

On the surface, the movies had some significant similarities that attracted me:

·      both were about women and long term friendships (decades long friendships)

·      both were about strong women who were successful in their own ways and terms and fields (including motherhood)

·      both were as much about the relationships women have (with each other and with romantic partners)

·      both were comedies

·      both were about girls weekends to celebrate and reconnect with friends who felt like life has a way of keeping us busy.

Sounds great right? 

The first movie - I adored -I laughed, I cringed, I cried, I laughed some more, I felt my heart break and get stronger as I saw myself and women I love in the different characters.  I loved how the women fought like tigers with each other but also when one was hurting they fought together to protect their girl.  I loved the message of communication, connection, support, forgiveness, fear, authenticity, image, social pressure, and breaking free from image and pressure to find out the beauty on the other side.  The women and relationships weren't perfect - every one of them was flawed - and yet so much more beautiful for that flaw.  Did they fight with each other?  Yes.  Did they see each others flaws?  Hell yes.  Did they use those flaws to constantly wound and dig at each other?  No (ok so occasionally in the heat of an argument they pulled them out - they also pointed out their own flaws and weaknesses and protected each other) Did as a general rule they see the stronger more beautiful and amazing side of each other and feed those components?  Yes.  Were they able to see and hear each other even through the pain?  Most definitely yes.  It was the kind of story about life long friendships where you can see each and love each other through the hardest parts of our journeys.

"I really thought that I could go through with it because I’ve done such a great job in pretending so many times before. But there are some people when you see them, you just can’t pretend anymore because they know you. The real you. And maybe that’s why you avoided seeing them for so long. Uh… I am not perfect. I do not have it all. In fact, my life is all kinds of screwed up."

" But we shouldn’t fear being alone, because there is power in rediscovering your own voice, and I had forgotten that. I forgot that years before I was Stewart’s wife I was Ryan, a girl with her own ambitions and her own dreams. But luckily, my girls, my girls reminded me of that. They reminded me of my own worth."

The second movie was also a group of women.  However, these women seemed determined to find and keep pointing out each others flaws.  They didn't support each other, they didn't seem to really even like each other, everyone seemed annoyed by one of the girls, there was no deep connection about what seems to make each of them tick and how they would protect each other.  After 30 minutes of this movie I turned it off, a little sadder and more heartsick for how women can treat each other at their worst.

Feel free to ask the names of the movies but since they were released around the same time you can probably guess - and those who know me well can probably picture which ones I gravitated more toward.  :)

What has struck me in the days since watching these movies is that I have friendships like both of these - I have groups of women who I feel like see me and love me for all of my warts and flaws and weirdness - they love me through all of it and will call me on my crazy but will also love me through my crazy.  They are the women who I have worked and traveled with and had people laugh at how we fight so hard and then 20 seconds later hug and threaten to slug whoever hurts one of us next.  I also have had friendships with women (and some of these have lasted decades) where I leave outtings with them feeling more dejected about myself and relationships and life - it is a sense of negativity but also of judgement of not measuring up.... I'm learning slowly to put boundaries on those friendships so that they don't have the negative impacts on me.  I've been asked why I keep them at all and the short answer for me is that people are important to me and I have a tough time walking away from any relationship, but the longer answer is more complex and has involved me facing how I select the relationships I chose to strengthen and enrich and feed.  I have decided for myself to focus on those that feed my soul - I won't close the door on others, but I won't feed them either.

What about you?  What kind of relationships do you have?  What kind do you want?  How and when do we decide which friendships to feed and which to let sit?