So I've always been a bit hard headed to say the least. The best way to ensure that I try something is to tell me it is not safe, impossible, a bad idea, or not something I can do - particularly not something I can do alone. :) My mother learned long ago that it was better to let me find my own way than to tell me outright that I could or could not do something. After one particularly difficult break-up, she admitted she had never liked the guy and was concerned (because we were engaged for several years) but she knew better than to tell me that or it would have ensured I made it work no matter what the cost to myself.
I'm a girl from the sticks of Appalachia - raised by a mom who didn't finish college and who was left in significant poverty when her husband died young. According to the stats (and my high school guidance counselor) I shouldn't be where I am now - with a PhD from one of the premier schools in my field and successfully running my own business supporting communities all over the my home state. Over the years I have heard 'it's too risky to start your own business' 'don't you need to make sure you have insurance' 'are you sure this is the right move?' "you travel all that way on your own' 'you aren't going camping alone are you, aren't you scared' 'what if something happens'- all of these led me to trails that have brought me where I am now.... :)
Recently I knew I needed some outside time in the woods alone. I told a few friends that I was going hiking alone and I was warned that the trail I wanted to do was a bad idea - it would be slick, muddy, and I've never hiked this trail without spraining my ankle. So of course, it's the trail I pick. The day was rainy, the trail turned into a creek at several points, it was slick, and it was also beautiful. The time alone in the woods let me feel and smell and experience all of mother nature and father time washing away the stress and negativity of the world and reminded me of who I am - I entered the woods feeling heavy, dark, lost, and struggling....
I emerged reminded of who I am and grounded.... I am strong, gentle, brave, very loving, open, giving, determined, independent, consistent, fierce, wild, silly, scared, messy, soft, empathetic, story-teller, and wanderer....
I listened to the woods and my spirit and my ancestors and the voices of my tribe here (even when they aren't with me, I was reminded that their spirits lift and carry mine).... I walked in silence so I could hear and feel these things and remember that they are with me and in me to rely on....
I know where I want to go and the type of life I want to build.... This is my creative life - my tango - wild natural freedoms, work to care for children and families, tango, connection, creativity, and comfort.... Things do happen and we aren't always safe - but there are also no guarantees in life - it is meant to be lived out loud and fully! And to do that I don't think I can walk away from the things that feel right - even if someone (even my inner meanie) says I can't.... there is nothing to be lost from trying and SOOOO much to be gained!
Because I was told I couldn't - and yet also had people who quietly whispered just try - I did and am doing.... I have dreams yet unfilled and goals yet unattained. So when my inner evil voice tells me I can't - I quietly whisper back to her 'watch me'.... watch me:
- Fix that dryer by myself
- Really learn and develop my tango
- Install that storm door
- Grow this business
- Travel anywhere my heart desires (Italy, Argentina, New Zealand, Scotland, where else can I go.... )
- Finally learn spanish
- Build this new unusual authentic life
- Create the Hacienda
The Shel Silverstein poem "Listen to the Musnt's Child" speaks so directly to my spirit in this way. And the rebel in me, listens and then charges on! And it thrills (and terrifies) my soul that my oldest daughter has fallen in love with this poem as well. It's the first one she ever memorized and she frequently asks for it before bed. Anything is possible - Anything can be!
wonderful to watch you grow...!!!! :)
ReplyDelete