Empathy, Compassion, and Growth.... Oh My!

So apparently I wasn't done with my rambling and processing of compassion, empathy, growth, and healing :)

Compassionate action involves working with ourselves as much as working with others.  Pema Chodron

What is real self-compassion?  This is something that has been asked to me since my last post - is it just an acceptance of yourself and embracing of yourself or is it something more?  Is it compassion if you only celebrate and see your own importance and value and don't admit any weakness or flaws?  For me, I think that the ability see your value is important, however, self-compassion involves being able to see, feel, and acknowledge your own weaknesses and flaws.  It means taking the time to really dig deep within ourselves to get uncomfortable and allow ourselves to explore and heal and accept those tender areas, those areas of weakness or wounds, those areas that are not perfect and to work on healing them and accepting them with a recognition of their existence and how that informs and influences our interactions with others.

The wretched have no compassion, they can do good only from strong principles of duty.

 Samuel Johnson

Are you truly practicing self compassion and gentleness if you do not see, acknowledge, and embrace your tender areas and your flaws?  Our flaws and tender areas are a key part of us - they are what give us the opportunity for growth and the gentleness to be able to reach out and hear and care for each other.... It is from these places that we can allow empathy to grow and flow from; It is only by recognizing our own tender areas and weaknesses that we can also see and support others from their own perspective.  Recognition of flaws, wounds, weaknesses and tender areas is key to truly being able to offer compassion to ourselves and then to others.

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

If you only see your value and it limits your ability to see others value and perspective; if we are so absorbed in our own value and privilege then we can become defensive and divisive when we perceive things to threaten that or to change the 'status quo' rather than being open and willing to see our own limitations and need for change.  It is only when we have true compassion and understanding of ourselves that we can open ourselves up so that we can truly see and hear our neighbors and loved ones and begin to move in a more caring, empathetic, and healing way - in a way that promotes growth instead of stagnation.  

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” - Pema Chödrön

Each day I see battles waged on social media with people defending how they do not want to wear a mask, they don't want to social distance, they are 'offended' because statues have been moved or because images that were used for logos have been changed and removed.... All of the comments focus on how things are 'being ruined' because they are being changed; rather than focusing on trying to understand how something may be painful or hurtful to a neighbor or friend and understanding that why so that we can move forward together.... Where is our compassion for each other?  Our empathy for each other?  If we can do something that reduces another's anxiety/stress/pain/discomfort and it doesn't hurt ourselves - why shouldn't we do that?  Why should our comfort and the status quo be more important than our neighbors?  These things may seem simple or benign but they way they are discussed and the way I see people talking to each other and more importantly ABOUT each other - shows a lack of compassion and consideration and a lack of opportunity for growth.  

"Compassion is not just feeling with someone, but seeking to change the situation. Frequently people think compassion and love are merely sentimental. No! They are very demanding. If you are going to be compassionate, be prepared for action!"

Desmond Tutu

How can you be gentle and compassionate with others and their tender areas if you do not also see your own?  If you only celebrate your perceived strength, value, and quality without also recognizing and sitting with your flaws and weaknesses then how can we ever grow as a community and as individuals?  It is only through recognizing and honoring those parts inside of us and the same inside of our neighbors that we can really start to move forward together and heal and grow.  And the world is showing us in so many ways right now that healing and growth is needed - we must stop killing and poisoning each other.... When we continually lash out at each other that our way is the right way, we must be right, we must maintain the status quo, and we can't listen to each other - when we respond from a divisive and protective place instead of an open, loving, compassionate place (to ourselves and others) then we continue to pour out selfishness and pain rather than healing and building ourselves and each other.  As so poignantly pointed out in "The Hate U Give" - 

“Pac said Thug Life stood for 'The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody'.”― Angie Thomas, The Hate U Give

Where is the intersection of empathy with compassion and self-awareness and gentleness?  In a world where we see a growing lack of empathy for each other - how can we use true compassion for self and other to help heal and encourage each other?  Only through finding true compassion for self, can we actually develop empathy for others and find ways to hear and support each other.  That involves being able to truly recognize and work on our own wounds so that we can hear and respond compassionately to others.  

Compassion and nonviolence help us to see the enemy's point of view, to hear their questions, to know their assessment of ourselves. For from their point of view we may indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers and sisters who are called the opposition. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Is your own bloom more important than the other flowers around you?  How can you help to encourage and embrace and enrich the rest of the garden if you only are concerned with maximizing your own recognition and sitting in comfort?  It is fascinating to watch flowers, fruits, and vegetables growing in the garden - how there are some that creatively and beautifully grow together, where being planted together provides for richer and more flavorable produce and blooms.  Watching blackberries and honeysuckle grow intertwined with each other are examples of how empathy and compassion can work together - these two vines manage to grow together sharing beauty and blossoms - creating a richer environment together.  Fig trees and wasps; cross pollination between different types of blueberries; beds of wildflowers that create a riot of color and beauty as well as food for bees.... How much richer is the environment when we provide space for all to flourish instead of only one.

"what is wrong with nationalism is not the desire to be master in your own house, but the conviction that only people like you deserve to be in the house"  Toni Morrison

Is comfort and a sense of self importance and extreme self-worth more important than a comprehensive understanding of who we are (flaws, tender areas, weaknesses and all) and our areas of discomfort?  How does that extreme limit our ability to grow and to expand on those areas that are tender?  How does this perspective and emphasis on comfort limit our abilities to connect to others outside of us and support them in their own growth?  How does it limit our ability to engage, connect, and enrich each other by learning from each other and using that to further our own growth as well as supporting our loved ones growth?  How much does that perspective of 'achievement' and 'arrival' to a place of compassion/gentleness and self worth limit our abilities to heal our neighborhoods and communities when they are in a place of pain or discomfort?

But if we have the energy of compassion and loving kindness in us, the people around us will be influenced by our way of being and living. Thich Nhat Hanh